| 335 |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|04:25 pm] |
1999
He loves me now
He loves me not
He once knew why
But he forgot
Cross my fingers
Break my bones
Playing games
Skipping stones
Hide'n'Seek
Play with me
Count to ten
Climb up my tree
Laughing eyes
Your toes wiggle
Tickle your feet
To hear you giggle
He loved me then
He loves me not
I remember him
But he forgot
2000
Last night I had a crazy dream
I kissed a man, he wasn't you
I never knew there were things I'd feel
Things I never spoke of, features I never drew
It was never a question of your faith
Every day of your life, you were good to me
I never accounted for me falling somehow
For a man being something that you couldn't be
Sometimes just being perfect isn't good enough
If the puzzle pieces don't fit you just can't deny
I found the real thing in my sleep last night
No matter how many tears or how hard you try...
2003
I put two lips to the skillet
Felt the heat blister up, then watched you kill it
You refuse to come meet my friends
I've met all of yours, fuck making amends
I visit you all the time - win or lose
Put every bit on the line but you refuse
You said you'd call, you didn't I'm curious
I'm out with friends, you hang up on me, I'm furious
You like to fool around with me - have things your way
I'm leaving in the morning - and you push me away
2004
The clouds roll in and the sun dips down
Setting its rays below our line of view
Bumming around this wishing well
Throwing pennies, thinking about you
I wish we were both back in Ohio
And I guess I'd never see you again
Driving our cars, near or far
Written letters that just aren't fit to send
And baby I wish you well
When the words that are coming out aren't sounding right
When it seems like the days have all turned to nights
And your secrets haunt your mind when you turn out the light
I wish you well
So here's to the part where we both close our eyes
And I blow a kiss up into the north wind
You wait patiently for the breezes to shift
Send a prayer south to confess those times that you've sinned
And wish me well
When the seasons are changing in front of your eyes
When the snow is falling or you can see the fireflies
For the lies, for the truth unveiled in your last goodbye
And I wish you well |
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| 334 |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|11:51 am] |
2003
I put myself out there tonight a little too much
You don't really care enough to call me - keep your word
Cold shoulder turned on me in the autumn snow
I can't afford to get my hopes up about you again
Last night I held your beautiful face
Now I'm wishing it would just go away
And if you don't make the effort, I'll stop
I feel like I have wasted all my energy
And you don't give a fuck whether I'm here or not
When I just wanted to hold you some more
But even that; the effort is all mine
You just want down my pants, then out of sight
2004
I felt the wind, the breath of you
As you brushed by my side in haste
Your hard heart deflects the rain and snow
I'm just waiting to feel the weight
Of a moving kiss, that glee that is born
of something stretching my elastic walls
Almost breaking right on through
There are oh so many ways to cry, to call
Some not even involving tears
Sometimes the muscle of my heart will clench
Letting me know I'm still alive
For someone other than myself
It's hard to see and feel and know
That this time it's just not right
That the wall is just too high to climb
This weeping in frustration, this weary fight
The tears slide down inside of me
Behind the surface of my eyes
Each season
I've been burning right on through to the core
These hard feelings of mine have no rhyme or reason |
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| 333 |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|12:53 pm] |
1999
I am a stupid girl
I sit and watch the tears roll down
my ugly face from two ugly eyes
I am a fat girl
I eat and eat and watch the tears
fall down like rain from my
fat face
I am a freak
I'm not like you guys
I watch the tears roll off my different cheeks
Sometimes we fall down
Sometimes we get pushed
Sometimes we cut ourselves
Sometimes we bleed
I am a dirty girl
I smell and look filthy
I watch the tears wet my cracked lips
I am a poor girl
I live in a poor house
I watch the tears fill my empty eyes
We always stay awake
We always live alone
We always get hurt
We always bleed
2000
It's a creepy how you look at me sometimes
It's creepy how I look the other way & shudder
I can't live with myself like this
There's so many people I've never seen
Some day I will really know, the snow will melt
And I won't fall out of love
2001
I am bitter and full of indifference
What does it matter how I feel?
You'll just forget anyhow
You'll try and slide your hands in sticky places
Places I don't feel like being touched
When all I want to do is sleep
You'll try and kiss me, hold me tighter
When I just want to lie alone
Plan my days for me
Build your life around me
What the hell is happening to me?
I'm all confused and stressed
I feel I'll have my mind explode
I can't even take care of myself
How are you to satisfy me?
You say you miss me, you miss me
You miss me when I'm in the same damned room
And I simply want to be alone
Let me sleep, just a little while
It's not your fault
I just need some time for me
Happy anniversary, baby
2003
I felt comfort in embracing you tonight
After a month of not even kissing you
I felt warmth and familiarity, my second home
You are beautiful and small and sweet
The 28th has always been a weird day for me
The drive to and from is so natural
Your eyes are picture perfect priceless gems
I enjoy exploring your soft skin with honest hands
I nuzzle into you, and it's gonna be okay |
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| 332 |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|09:04 am] |
2000
Maybe the telephone will keep its silent promise
I know I will I have been accused and labeled
She dubbed me inconsiderate and shallow
And can't I help but think, "What a bitch"
She doesn't even know me, she doesn't even care
I have defended the very principle she lectured me on
All I can tell her is that, "I am a simple minded girl
I can't offer you a reflection of opinions
I don't have the life that bit you and left you sterile
I have a home the shelters me, but don't write me off
Don't think for a moment I don't see outside my house
You knew to expect the hate, and you were prepared
In doing so, you show that you care less than anyone
And have no intentions of accepting change
You are too proud to let anyone speak correctly
I don't have to be worshiped to be respected
I love my simple life and accept those occurrences
The ones that shared their opinions are as bright
As you claim to be. You invited me to be
open minded while you never knew I was practicing
that very thing. I think every now and then
you should let people talk to you...and listen to them."
2002
I resurface from underground
I been riding the subway - all night
In my dreams, had your company
I look up and my eyes reverse dilate from the bright
From the four corners of my little room
Wish that you'd slip out of my sleepy head
Your face is something that I treasure
Seeing you - barely short of divine
Until the next time I can embrace you
I'm waiting, running underwater passing endless time
I haven't fooled myself into a crush
You're just a change to my self centered song
You're the guitar I've picked up but could never play
But I always loved to sing along
The melody is like a dream to me
You've eluded me and the night's almost come
I've found a way to expend another day
Will you recognize what I've become?
The blue of your eyes, your warm little smile
My fingers running through your hair
Will I get the chance to touch you again
Time will tell, but ever so slowly, in a word, life is unfair
2004
I am bipolar
And I need to shake my naive way of thinking
Thinking that anyone besides .... will ever love me
And just as I am, I will take his love for granted
To be left with nothing
I don't want a boyfriend
Just want to fuck and fuck and fuck all day long
Realistically, metaphorically speaking
Can't I just get some love here?
I need to be desired as a piece of ass
Worth pursuing, worth looking into
Sex appeal enough to make a man want to change
Never mind my personality, for once
Wish I were funny, or something to keep me going
Wish that I were noticeably smart
I just want out of this shit hole Spanish prison
It is bringing me down, no peace of mind
All it is is drugs and drinking and things I don't get
Why doesn't anybody want to get to know me?
I make a plan up in my head
And am shocked into reality when it falls to pieces |
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| 330 |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|08:27 pm] |
1999
A tear slips down her face, she's so full of grace
And it wets a strand of blond hair
It's too bad for me, that she'll never see
That my life without her is bare
She's so young and sweet, she makes me complete
Inside of her there burns this fire
I see it in her eyes, a light that never dies
She'll be my heart's desire
Her soul is soft but strong, I've loved her all along
I want my children to call her mother
She's all that I adore, she's what I'm searching for
I could never love another
With my head on her breast, the beating in her chest
Next to her heart forever
Seduced by all her charms, I need her in my arms
I'm alone when we're not together
I'll kiss her on the lips, as one last tear drop slips
My last gift from December
She slides her hand in mine, so small and so divine
Her beauty's what I love and remember
Her face will soon reveal all the pain I feel
The hurt, the loss, the sorrow
'Cause if she feels the same, when I call her name
But for us, there'll be no tomorrow |
|
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| 329 |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|04:29 pm] |
2000
Today I feel ugly like I never have
Any given second, I want to fall into your arms
I feel frustrated and edgy, ready for the apocalypse
So much decay surrounds me; I'm choking on the air
I feel like giving up is the only way to win
Even then I'm only living off the memory, unsatisfied
All I want to do is cry and sleep and die
The only place I want to be is home
Did you ever feel my pulse when I was mad?
Hold my hand or look into my eyes when I was sad?
What could there possibly be for me to lose?
Except the carefully established friendship we made
Some days I want to curl up at your side & be secure
Others I want to soar away like some majestic bird
But around the world there is no other place for me
for I'd been sculpted for the contour of your arms
Sometimes I sit alone and daydream of you
And there are nights I cradle empty space
Your heart is the portrait of loveliness
but mine cluttered with insensitive graffiti
My thoughts are out of line when they're of you
What have I got to lose buy my sanity?
2002
It seems like every year the fabric of my family
Thins, becomes less sticky, stretches, falling apart
Pulled like my mother's heartstrings
We are all just falling apart
And I hear things from the lips of my grandfather
like, "Did you get enough to eat?"
And it brings tears, springs fears
About the days when eating wasn't just a pastime
And about how the world is, how my world could become...
It feels like only companionship weights my interest
But I am holding down the fort
Skeptical and weary of new trespassers
And I am holding down the conversation
With strong, but tired and overworked legs
He sees my eyes and he sees the smile
that could be there if I just tried to hide the rest
Doesn't know that I am praying hard
Doesn't know me past the funny sound of my family name
Doesn't really care a lot about the world...
And I think, I might as well be here alone
It seems like his were only hands and nothing more
Not the friend who held me, not the bandaged wrists
Not the eyes I had trouble distinguishing from my own
2004
I am a Yankee at heart
Sometimes I trip on the uneven sidewalks
Crack the right side of my jaw, my back, my fingers
I smudge my writing on the left side of my hand
And I am not neat or super clean; I always wear a watch
I like using big words in my normal sentences
I think in third person narrative at times
I'm not picky, I love food and drink
I like to sing in the shower, in my home, always
When I shop, I'm in and out, not browsing, always buying
I love sex and art and music and cinema and literature
I am of normal stature - height and weight
I don't feel comfortable going out without makeup
Slim shoulders, wide hips, white skin
I like to count steps when I climb them
I keep a calendar and photos in albums
I find solace in friends, hot coffee, sugar and cream
I am a chapstick addict
Must hug and kiss and dance and laugh
I love to do impressions, make prank phone calls
A Yankee, if you will |
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| 328 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|06:07 pm] |
1999
In the backseat of the car, it's warm
I'm hundreds of miles from you and going
in the wrong direction
I'm sure that I won't see you for some time
The fresh mountain air will clear my head in time
And I'll be back with you...
I'm looking down on valleys from the clouds
I might say I love you...it's enough
I've been childish, I've been foolish, I've been dumb
And I hope I find what I'm looking for
Cleanse my eyes...focus my mind
But then there's you
You respect my body, my mind, my being
I need to close a chapter in my life
Will it be yours? Only time will tell
I want to love you forever, love permitting
I hope my heart won't betray us wickedly
And it's a pity that you love me so
If I shut my fears out...
Will you marry me...take me back
Into the mountains, into the clouds
Make our home back in Virginia
2002
Just another few words too quickly for you to remember
Out of my mouth, too witty for you to process
Hearing me talking and asking to hear me sing are 2 different things
Not equal, not important, I guess you never asked...
Last time that I saw you it was in a different light
Eyes not so angelic, halo not shining --- so bright
Not a trace of attraction, not a speck of chemistry
Never even initiated any of our hugs...
Only time I ever really feel this way
Not any more or any less than any other day
Already I know, that I've just gotta wait my turn
Something tells me trial and error fails and flowers
Something tells me it's not even my turn
2003
Sometimes I'm gonna wonder where you've been
I wanna see your smile, know what you've been doing
And because I'm in a different place and time in my life
Doesn't mean I don't miss your pretty blue eyes
I've been feeling the growth out from under my feet
And it's hard to stay put when I don't know the meaning
My life, the faces flashing by like fireflies
Holding on is impossible, but don't mean I can't compromise
Every place I've been, I always come back again
And if I still know you then it'd be like a new beginning
My life's concentrate is absorption, progression
I can't be held down by old grudges, obsession
I love us both, but I can't live like I used to
I've got to make myself happy, and I hope you never thought I used you
There's a beauty about you, a jaded innocence
You live a hard life, but in your voice, there's no penitence
I put you with the angels, now you're down on earth with me
I live by God, but you see there's no sanctity
Bubbles of champagne burst in my dizzy head
You plead indifference 'cause you see "me" with infrared
Nobody knows the great palace of my heart
And if you felt my dilemmas, then you just might fall apart
Know me if you will, when I'm out of my shell
Consider that I know, you don't have to say farewell
2004
All I want to do is catch a firefly
On a summer night, in the field beside my house
Watch a bonfire, eat potato salad, feel the sun
I want to drive for hours, listen to music in the car
See the rural hillsides turn to mountains, in front of me
I want to laugh at American jokes, words I fully understand
See the shallow, consumer driven media lambs
I want to get fast food and eat it by a duck pond
Reacquaint myself with friends, faces, voices, family
I want to play with my kittens, see deer, horses, cattle
Lay on the grass in my spacious lawn - mow the grass
I want to see the forests of colored leaves
Smell of stacks of smoke rising from a country home
I want to hear good old boy country music
See the jeans and t-shirts and sweatpants and sweatshirts
Normal sized human beings, big and ugly is so beautiful
I want to play my piano, go to my church
See the snow coat the countryside
Walk on grass and not concrete, hear my native tongue
Get wrapped up in the comfortable frivolity
That which I call home |
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| 327 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|05:52 pm] |
2001
I have you back now, safe at last
Morning, lovely morning brings me happy tears
I'll see you today, sharing my world
Can't wait till you step in that door
Come into my home and see with uncensored eyes
Don't think this isn't difficult for me
I am letting myself hold and love you!
That is a different path for me
But when I hugged you, kissed you again
I knew it would be better off together
2004
Soft night, unbroken by wind or rain
Strolling lazily through the cozy city park
Walking with my best friend for the moment
As we sit, sipping tea after passing along, lost together
I look out through the window of the cafe
And a lighted silhouette looks out across the plaza
Accordion music plays, the figure gazes down several stories
What are they dreaming about?
Just seventy days, and I am going home again
Not sitting in this city, marveling at the pedestrians
Dressed up to take a walk, pushing elaborate baby carriages
In a different country, it would be lewd to see lovers like here
Making public their lust, their love, their passions
Making my heart ache with longing
For that time when you are just starting to fall in love
Strolling through some random candy store
Filling up a baggie with a bellyache
Being thought a lesbian for clutching at her arm
In the theater, while the tension is unbearable
And we say, wouldn't it just be easier?
If we weren't aching so for the company of a man?
2006
We push and pull
Until we're disconnected in the middle
I feel fatter the more anorexic weight I lose
The only person I can control is me
You push me aside, plan B
You put me away, a toy, a doll in your closet
Until the next time you feel the want to play with me
I hide my body
It isn't ready yet
It will never be as skinny as I want it
I never will be pretty enough
When will I be liked for being me?
So I'm in a place where I can start a real life
You don't have any serious feelings for me
I'm supposed to trail you like a puppy in love
A needy, whiney, self-involved brat
Fuck me, for having depended on you
No one ever told me I'd be locked away like this
Hidden in a sparsely populated, isolated nook
Chastised for asking your time
Uphill battle with you - and you're pushing me back down |
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| 326 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|05:42 pm] |
2002
I had waited up for you
And fell asleep waiting
Just so that you could light my face with a smile
Did I ever even feel a thing?
I wanna know you more
It's sick to be rewarded in such an appropriate manner
Kiss my head and slip out into the night
And I will slip into bed
Drift away until we meet again
2003
Last night you sacrificed your time for me
I found out that you have a girlfriend
It's okay 'cause you said you don't like me
Nonetheless...
We lay lazily entangled in each others' arms
Ticking and touching, laughing like children
I can't help but noticing that you have beautiful skin
And you marvel at the softness of my hair
We take care of each other, and you make me fall for you
What a mess my little head is in...
Gazing into your eyes, telling myself I am fine
You sleep beside me like my guardian
I want to kiss you, but the feeling isn't mutual
You don't realize how you lead me on
By memorizing everything I've ever said
Holding my hand when it's cold out...
I am jolted to reality by the distance
I wonder if you're thinking about me at all
I come into the room when you are gone
You've made my bed, worn my shorts back to D.C.
Keep them, if you want, I won't forget
Caressed me in the way that I've been needing
Left me like I've feared my entire life
2006
Devastated by the restrictions imposed upon me
My sex disrupted and put on hold
On widow status -> not promised, not single
Not anything really -> just here
I wanna fuck and strut my stuff
I wanna throw my bucking hips into a man
Surprise him with what I would call
A lack of plan
Sexiness is my only goal and desire
If I have to wait forever
Why not start my binge today?
He'll me none the wiser
No fucking ring on this finger
Guess he doesn't care that much
Not enough to put his games down
His money down
His childish ways away
I am ready to grow up
Just say the word
I will stop as soon as he gives me
I reason why I should |
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| 325 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|05:34 pm] |
1999
I think I've fallen into hell tonight
Blackness hugs me, my being aches
So I let it surround, stand watch over me
Until the devil wakes
I can see how sick you are
Your skin fades pale as your blood rushes out
I've taken all your life with me
At least in love, no doubt
I've bided my time patiently
As you've grown to be mature
Those hands that were so very dirty
Now mine make yours seem pure
I been knocking on heaven's door
What I didn't realize is what you see
While I looked for someone to love me more
You were the one to love me genuinely
I think I've been in hell tonight
Because I'm stuck in this abyss
I'm scared to spend my time in love
But I can't help wonder what I missed?
2001
I have been a wanderer, a traveler
A naked girl in a room full of unfamiliar men
Never have I felt the heat of love
Only the sentimentless drive of passion
Forced onto me and into me with desperation
Brute hands tight with anger without knowing
The little girl imprisoned deep within
So molest the children, beat them without love
I have been starved of innocence, my angel sighs
As my light of salvation all fades to silence
2004
Sipping drinks on a quaint evening
My hormones pushing on the pins and needles - breaking point
I was hoping for secretive rendezvous action
But you had to go and place the human element into it
Drink until your stupid head was spinning
Throwing back and throwing up until...
Our libidos were shot and you were locked up in the bathroom
Toilet seat removed, spitting deftly into the shallow bowl
Now I'm annoyed and rolling my eyes
Don't really know if anything would have happened
But now I know nothing will tonight
I'll go to sleep unsettled, but yet sober
Dirty dishes bubbling over on the sink and counter
Eyesore is the partied out living room
Guess I'll smoke some more cigarettes
Just how many seconds have been subtracted from my life?
While I'm young and ignorant, I'm blissful
All alcohol and hormones and hairy legs
Because who will touch me now?
Only the voices ringing thousands of miles away
Droning on about promises that are just too good to keep
2004
The things I learn with the more time I spend away
Life goes on without the memory of me
You were always beautiful, fun, crazy and charismatic
I had a love for your body and your wild soulful passions
Every time I close my eyes, all ends of my earth retract
My old flames, my loves maneuver away from me
Breaking my heart when I least expect it
Pulling my dreams from under my feet
All around me, the world is making love
And I am cringing being forced to listen to the beautiful music
That I cannot make
My broken little record mourns in melancholy tones
Your face is keeping me awake tonight
Thinking of you sharing a bed, a home, a love without someone else
While I selfishly stretch my hairy legs alone
I cast you out, and if the chance presented itself
I'd cast you out again
In doing so, I've lost your love
Like has happened so many times before
I learn that the further I step away, the longer I close my eyes
All the romance in my life is only reminiscence |
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| 324 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|05:21 pm] |
2000
I imagine what it's like to hold you when you're not around
Funny how one day you think you'll be in love forever
Time has made me shake in pain and strengthen me the same
Not even one year later we barely ever get together
We don't talk anymore, and I feel so incomplete
Not because you're not there, but because I'm weak
The people that matter the most to me slip through my fingers
Where they used to stand beside me, no trace lingers
At least I know I'm missed sometimes when I go away
We delve into the past with so much tucked tightly back
And secure our insecurities in darkened chambers
And we lock the keys inside where dirty secrets hide
All that matters now is money, science, sex, and substance
What about the child that lives without a family?
Even an abusive parent, as where we run every other day
Because we overindulge, they eat only every chance they can
I hope these thoughts catch tears in your eyes like mine
I imagine greedy things like holding you when I cry
2001
The branches of a dying tree reaching out
With fingers long and thin and brittle
Through the winter stays a shell of what it was
Breaks and falls apart, losing liveliness to snow
Nothing more to show than - it's broken
The air is colder now, and she bears it on her own
Shielding not her face, hollow now without embrace
She grows alone, putting winter's weight on her shoulders
Waiting for the storm to clear, for the sun
Waiting so impatiently for summer's warmth to come
2004
I could do with a man to rape
Or a pizza to eat
Either would satisfy my hungry needs
Warm blankets, cold floor, happy girl, sad world
I have spoken casually to my Lord
But have not visited Him in His home
I wonder if He is keeping distance for this
But my heart is still jiggling in my chest
My sweet teeth still chewing off the flesh
Maybe He will send a package with a bow
The simplifies, that satisfies my needs |
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| 323 |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|05:56 pm] |
2001
Would you be here tonight?
If I let my heart smile when you held me
If I just held on a little tighter
Would you still love me, tonight?
If I didn't turn away
If I thanked my lucky stars for you
Would you still hold me tonight?
If I didn't give your love away
If I didn't fall down and quit
Would you find my face tonight?
2004
Que raro, no me dejaste nada
Solamente tengo las pocas memorias
Todavia, pudeo llorar cuando pienso del ano pasado
Estaba enamorada de ti, y yo seria todavia
Y para la primera vez en mi vida, hecho de menos un buen hombre
El amor era verdadero, porque
Espero que tenais felicidad de toda
Por lo menos, los cuerpos y los almas compartidos
2007
I was accidentally talking to myself inside the phone
Voice coming back, reverberated microphonic echo
I didn't want to, so I didn't move
I didn't eat, I didn't speak
I just let the year, the time, happen to me
I drove along alone tree-lined streets
They shyly held their yellow leaves this year
Hid daintily, modestly they observed the cold
I apologized but did not forgive
The grudge was deep, the wound severe
I bled in ways that made me grow in fear
My shape shifted weight, changed spheres
Rearranged its lines to make peace fit whole
Walking to myself, I passed people screaming aloud
No crazier than I was, but I comforted myself
With the thought
The nest fell from the tree as I flew out
Now home is the mingling, the twingling
The faces of friends and derelicts
Echoes of their voices follow me home
I didn't want to talk, but I did
I didn't want to move, but here I sit |
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| 320 |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|11:23 am] |
2001
Does she reach for you with her eyes?
Are they more beautiful than mine?
When she laughs, do you think it's cute?
Does she smile when she looks at you?
When she flips her hair, do you forget about me?
Do you feel guilty when you feel better off without me?
Is she pretty, is she smart, is she sweet?
And you say, "Honey, there's just someone you have to meet"
Is she funny, does she always make you laugh?
Does she brighten your day more than your better half?
Pardon me when I say hello and smile lamely
I don't even like to hear the name...
Worst part is, you don't even know
That when there's trouble, that's where you'll go
Hello, today, hello captain...
Hello, lady, hello skipper....
I leave your world in the shadow of my eyes
And the bright green light is what you'll find
2003
It feels like it never happened
And it's gonna keep fading with time
I had an amazing conversation with a nice boy
Last night we broke up with each other
You don't trust me anymore - I am hurtful
But I didn't do anything wrong
I was honest and I was trying
Now I'm trying to get you out of my head
This is probably for the best because I wasn't sure
I had to put too much effort in
And you stubbornly would not come to see me
And it isn't at all my fault
I want you here, but you refused me
I still like you, but I'm gonna keep moving
Tears are all I know in you
Because you're the best that I only almost had
Now you're gone, and I won't feel you anymore
Won't see your beautiful, smiling blue eyes
Your wall was up long before it was over
So now I'm holding onto others
Because you did not hold onto me
You did not wait for me to get my bearings
What can I say that I haven't said to you?
2004
There are stains on every surface
Makeup, sangria, coca cola, sticky footprints
A naked bulb brassly shines in the center of the room
This is all I've got, and memories, so I keep calling you
I've got cigarettes on my breath
I can't keep conscious enough to just quit
I'm sure there're better things I could be doing
But right now, I can't figure out for the life of me
What the hell are they? |
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| 319 |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|10:34 am] |
1999
All I'm being told is that I can't have you
So I shouldn't try...that's stupid
I might grow to love you & you love me
They all want for me to be with something I don't want
Everything that I could hope for...take it away
Before I could actually hope again
I believe I'm okay alone...but damn, were your eyes
ever so striking and lovely?
Don't question me, just fall madly in love is all I ask
So I can have something I could cherish & actually call my own
But would you even want that?
2002
If you read this, you are gonna judge me
But I could see you in that rose colored light
I could put you underneath & shower you
In unconditional love and nevermind convention
You just put your hand in mine and trust
If you would...
I have given all I could, all I have to men
To the opposite sex I have fallen short
Of all those beautiful qualities a woman should possess
I have turned in the direction I have refused
Now I accept - love, if offered, from the other side
My left side is disease ridden, useless
No one really knows how to love me
I could grow into your overprotective girlfriend
I could even be an asshole if you choose
If you want...
I was crying and abused by my fellow man
Weighted and wanting and angry
And he slapped me in the face
Blinding me, spitting on my plea for pity
So hear me out, and don't laugh
I'd like to try this from a different angle
If you could...
2004
Not sure what I want
just know that being here right now isn't helping
Anywhere I go isn't satisfying
It feels like in a way, I bring the wind and snow
I have a confidence, a knowledge, a beauty about me
That everyone else just glosses over
The truth is, I like my miserable self
And the petty things she does when she sets about existing
I am growing wary of this people
And it's hard to say...the last time I was happy
I guess we've all just got to press through the mundane
In order to find a soul mate
Pick our way through discomfort and pain
I still believe in that act of falling in love
It's just the lust that I am having trouble with
Finding someone to crave you as you've needed to be craved
It's momentary, passing, fleeting
And it's all still very unsatisfactory
Not long enough to mold a solid memory
I still bring the heavy heart of unrequited lust |
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| 318 |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|06:52 am] |
2000
The know it my stomach still remains
My guilt eats away my stable mind incessantly
It's hard to be overpowering when you want to surrender
Memories or summertime haunt my soul
Winter is the end, the bitter fight is done
And I can't help remind myself we're through
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| 317 |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|07:48 am] |
1999
I couldn't stop myself - I kissed you
The song was perfect, mood was right...but was I?
Maybe I just needed some companionship tonight
Uh, oh. What did I do this time?
i know you love me, & I like you, but it's not the same
I love you as my friend and you know this
But I make it so hard on you
Everyone else says we're so right - am I the wrong one?
But I want to feel my lips crush someone I can crush
...Like .... ... you know, I still feel for ....
But why? Why do I miss him so much when I'm with you
I keep remembering when I could hold him to me
DOES HE EVEN REMEMBER THAT?!?!
And I felt great to be in that position
But terrible 'cause you were there
I should stop; stop playing with you, but you're the best
Kissing you...I feel that I love you, but I don't
Kissing .... ... it felt as though my body melted
Felt like my feet were sinking, hands and lips ablaze
I want to feel that passion over and over
I want to taste his skin, his mouth
Perhaps I've said too much, but I don't care
I hope that I can keep up this charade
'Cause I can't live without you
2002
I will feel this way again
Abandoned, disappointed, and cold
At the moment of my death I will experience this
I feel incomplete and regretful of what I could have done
I have only felt for you a few days
But maybe that's too long
Life is too short for falling dreams, and a tired soul
I have no patience for half assed or heartache
Right now, you can see my skeleton
A different bone for every unfulfilled hope
Extinguish me and leave me in the dark to die
I never meant to let it go this far
I'm not sorry that I'm untrusting
Fuck you, you're not worthy of my trust
I have taken bounds and leaps
Only to be shut down in the end
And aggravated by your dogged persistence
I am burning the rope from me to you
Pick up your fingers, don't get burned
I have felt this way before
Sour and old and hostile
Ready for a fight, it isn't fair
I'll feel this way again
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| 316 |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|07:57 am] |
1999
The longer I sit, the more sympathy I deserve
Day one - attention started...I'm crying
Year one - poor girl, heartbroken...I'm still crying
How do they see me when I'm in between the lines
On my knees, upset and vulnerable
Does that make me a jerk? I don't want touched
Not right now by anyone - any man
I just want the sympathy I deserve
Am I at least still entitled to that?
just when I felt I'd swept out my worst emotions
I become so much weaker, so frail
Could I float invisible below this grief?
But then you're tugging on the hem of my slip
Questioning me with watery jades
Can't I come back down for you?
And I exhale all the steam I'd built up - it's gone
I'm crying and I can't understand why I feel the way I do
Do I matter so much to you? Or can I do no better?
If I sunk my teeth into your flesh would I be pleased
Could I sail through the windless days with you
And you show up with diamonds, flowers, candy
Would I ever have to cry for anything
Except those glorious tears of joy?
2003
I am an Amazon queen, powerful and fearless
Men bow to me and revere my presence
I am a captured princess, beautiful and dignified
I walk the plank of a pirate ship, and at the end, I dive
I am a trained soldier, brave and skillful
My enemies fall at my hands and I show no mercy
I am an ancient goddess, enlightened and peaceful
I am at one with myself, nature, and my fellow man
I am a swinging acrobat, agile and graceful
Turning heads with my daring actions
I am an Olympian, strong and dedicated
My body is a machine and my mind is full focused
I am a mother, nurturing and selfless
I would sacrifice my life for my flesh and blood
I am a poetess, descriptive and analyitical
Using words to paint my inspired pictures
I am a healer, gentle and gifted
I save lives with my two educated hands
I am a teacher, patient and charismatic
Young minds flock to my side to be molded
I am a lover, passionate and giving
Sharing my whole self and that of my best friend
I am a nineteen year old girl, growing, wandering
I make my life around my defining qualities |
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| 315 |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|07:50 am] |
2000
i watched her sitting all alone on the curb
Her long hair hung in golden tangles
Tears ran from her empty eyes
She didn't make a sound at all
Her pale skin wasn't smooth, but who cared?
She was beautiful anyhow
Her long legs dangled in the street
She owned a pretty face
But she didn't have a happy aura
I recognized that bitter smile
And watched as she sucked in breaths
While she took a deep drag on her cigarettte
It made me sad to look at her
And know she depended on it to soothe her
Most likely because no one would
It started to rain around her
She got to her feet, shaky
She flicked her butt into the street
And stuck her thumb in the air
As a truck rolled up to the curb
Without saying a word, jumped in as it stopped
And I watched her empty eyes while she rode away
2003
The world makes sense when I am alone
And I panic when I hear the ringing of the phone
But I can handle talking to you
Just not the anticipation of what I can't do
Nights like tonight I just want to sleep
Days like today, did all I could not to weep
My counselor gave me permission to cry
The sicker I get, the harder I try
I don't have the energy to out and out idolize
My malignant negative thoughts do nothing to revitalize
I am not a safe bet for a girlfriend
'Cause I'll lose feeling but hold your hand till the end
I don't know at all what love's all about
And I blame myself for the things I could do without
If I could just see you and touch your face
Melt mindlessly forward with you in embrace
Now I've got all this time to think alone
And I can't live my life via AIM and the phone
And to see me at all is a gigantic ordeal
With there was no fucking title and it wasn't a big deal
But I want and made a monster out of a man
And put thoughts in my head that I didn't understand
Your are any everyday angel that I want to know
But there are nameless feelings that I need to show
2004
What did I do wrong?
The I should lose so many chances
All the men I've shared an interest in
I'm still sitting in the smoke, the aftermath
Of things, little minor explosions
Times I've banged my head, leave me dizzy now
Amazed that I've managed so many failures
I've really got nothing to show for them
How I've driven men away
With my looks, my luck, my lack of everything
My heart is burning, stomach churning
I just, like I always say, want someone to love
Someone it could work with
Or even just the chance to try
They all seem so beautiful, but so wrong
The gears just don't click into place
There is a lack of chemical reaction
So I shrug my way down the street every day
Knowing what I do doesn't matter much
But keeping hope alive for myself
That maybe, someday it will
2005
Those beautiful photographs
OF a woman before she destructed
I live life like I'm middle aged
No room at all for passion
That handsome man I fell in love with
Still looms and lurks with the woman who stole him from me
I've got my steady husband
Nothing left for me but marriage
I wish that I was that girl again
I was living six time zones away
Nobody loved me, but damn it, I loved myself
I was emotionally exercized
I was feeling and reeling with my body
Had my mouth full of that slice of life
City streets that fell in love with me
Tall buildings that made me find myself between
There I had people like me
There, I was lucky enough to connect
where those baggy pants felt good and right
My, how I never thought it'd be like this
Hungry for a time that I abhorred |
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| 312 |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|12:23 pm] |
1999
These two tired eyes can't see much
Colored walls with streaks of passion vibrate
I know you're somewhere near me
I can feel your breath on my neck, hands, back
Shivers run the length of my spine
Chilling me, printing braille on my tender flesh
My muscles sore, my throat in pain
I can't even swallow medication...pills to kill the source
And the drug that I rely on is your willingness
To know you want to see me every moment, in your sleep
And it hurts to know there's something more important
Worth putting way ahead of me
Naked images fill your mind...two seconds
Those two most important, one for you
One for her, whoever she might be
Even in that speed of two seconds I know it's not me
My breasts aren't that big and my hair isn't brown
What scares me is that I don't have to ask, I know
And the pain pills start to wear off
And it rages through my veins again
Sure you love me and it hurts
That you'd even have to still think that way
But who am I to be upset, I'm just the same
But worse
2000
I fight within myself, so pulled, so strained
I could enter into life with you again
But it'd just be history repeating itself
It wasn't right before, it isn't now or ever will be
I want to find myself in love someday
and I would like to know undoubting when it's right
I can't take this, one foot outside the door
And I can't help how I think I should feel, but don't
I just want to lie down on my pillow and sleep
Dreaming realities of certainty and future assuredness
I am still just a baby in this world
You treat me like a kitten, things will never change
Why did I get myself into this mess?
I hate yet to meet someone to tame my wandering eyes
There are so many things we disagree upon
But I'm too blind to see, I feel I can't do any better
I feel my life has been put on hold, for holding on
The memories are fading, and I'm left in indecision
I'm afraid I'll be wrong again, and lose you
If I go, I'm afraid I'll have no one to care for me
And I worry that I'll stop caring for you
And soon, neither of us will care at all |
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| 311 |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|12:17 pm] |
2000
She took the keys and ran out of the house
She left in nothing but a hurry
She drove awhile in silent anger, loud pity
She met her destination, stopped the car and ran inside
Up the stairs, she laid her tired head in the girl's lap
Sobs until her throat collapsed, cried until she bled
Lost herself in her own misery, gave up on that bed
The friend kissed her hair and told her everything would be
all right, but she couldn't answer through the pain
Friend held onto me while I cried myself to sleep
She left the house and stumbled to her car
Her eyes were wet and wide, heart full of fear
She drove so fast the lines, the road blurred together
She cursed to herself and cried so hard aloud
Around the bend, she let go of the steering wheel
Screamed before the broken glass, before the fire erupted
Lost herself in triumph but gave up in a dream
Lying unconscious pretty, unaware she bled
Darkness didn't mind the company that night
The friend cried tears of worry, tears so justified
She knew, oh, God, she knew everything would not be
all right, friend let go before I cried myself to sleep
that night...
2004
It's almost six thirty in the morning
I just said my goodbyes to my best friend
Who's left me here again alone, surrounded by people
On this landlocked little island
I've gone through just so much today
High and excited, sick and angry, low and sad
Didn't think I'd get so home hung over
Just by the smell of his skin
A reminder that I am comfortable somewhere |
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