urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjaneFairy Talesjellyjanejellyjane2009-11-08T17:31:01Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1158663122009-11-08T17:31:01Z2009-11-08T17:31:01Z1999<br /><br />These two tired eyes can't see much<br />Colored walls with streaks of passion vibrate<br />I know you're somewhere near me<br />I can feel your breath on my neck, hands, back <br />Shivers run the length of my spine<br />Chilling me, printing braille on my tender flesh<br />My muscles sore, my throat in pain<br />I can't even swallow medication...pills to kill the source<br />And the drug that I rely on is your willingness<br />To know you want to see me every moment, in your sleep<br />And it hurts to know there's something more important<br />Worth putting way ahead of me<br />Naked images fill your mind...two seconds<br />Those two most important, one for you<br />One for her, whoever she might be<br />Even in that speed of two seconds I know it's not me<br />My breasts aren't that big and my hair isn't brown<br />What scares me is that I don't have to ask, I know<br />And the pain pills start to wear off<br />And it rages through my veins again<br />Sure you love me and it hurts<br />That you'd even have to still think that way<br />But who am I to be upset, I'm just the same<br />But worse<br /><br />2000<br /><br />I fight within myself, so pulled, so strained<br />I could enter into life with you again<br />But it'd just be history repeating itself<br />It wasn't right before, it isn't now or ever will be<br />I want to find myself in love someday<br />and I would like to know undoubting when it's right<br />I can't take this, one foot outside the door<br />And I can't help how I think I should feel, but don't<br />I just want to lie down on my pillow and sleep<br />Dreaming realities of certainty and future assuredness<br />I am still just a baby in this world<br />You treat me like a kitten, things will never change<br />Why did I get myself into this mess?<br />I hate yet to meet someone to tame my wandering eyes<br />There are so many things we disagree upon<br />But I'm too blind to see, I feel I can't do any better<br />I feel my life has been put on hold, for holding on<br />The memories are fading, and I'm left in indecision<br />I'm afraid I'll be wrong again, and lose you<br />If I go, I'm afraid I'll have no one to care for me<br />And I worry that I'll stop caring for you<br />And soon, neither of us will care at allurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1155373112009-11-08T17:23:44Z2009-11-08T17:23:44Z2000<br /><br />She took the keys and ran out of the house<br />She left in nothing but a hurry<br />She drove awhile in silent anger, loud pity<br />She met her destination, stopped the car and ran inside<br />Up the stairs, she laid her tired head in the girl's lap<br />Sobs until her throat collapsed, cried until she bled<br />Lost herself in her own misery, gave up on that bed<br />The friend kissed her hair and told her everything would be<br />all right, but she couldn't answer through the pain<br />Friend held onto me while I cried myself to sleep<br />She left the house and stumbled to her car<br />Her eyes were wet and wide, heart full of fear<br />She drove so fast the lines, the road blurred together<br />She cursed to herself and cried so hard aloud<br />Around the bend, she let go of the steering wheel<br />Screamed before the broken glass, before the fire erupted<br />Lost herself in triumph but gave up in a dream<br />Lying unconscious pretty, unaware she bled<br />Darkness didn't mind the company that night<br />The friend cried tears of worry, tears so justified<br />She knew, oh, God, she knew everything would not be<br />all right, friend let go before I cried myself to sleep<br />that night...<br /><br />2004<br /><br />It's almost six thirty in the morning<br />I just said my goodbyes to my best friend<br />Who's left me here again alone, surrounded by people<br />On this landlocked little island<br />I've gone through just so much today<br />High and excited, sick and angry, low and sad<br />Didn't think I'd get so home hung over<br />Just by the smell of his skin<br />A reminder that I am comfortable somewhereurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1152503102009-11-08T17:17:45Z2009-11-08T17:17:45Z1999<br /><br />You change yourself to something you think you<br />need to be, want to be, but you're not, now you are<br />And the people staring know it - you're different<br />But so are they...why is normal so bad?<br />Everyone wants to be unique...so you're as normal as they come<br />EVERYONE HAS UNIQUE QUALITIES!<br />No one likes the new you; not even yourself<br />That's why I don't feel comfortable with you<br />When I speak, you condemn me<br />You shun <u>my</u> unique qualities<br />I know a different girl...<br />with not an original idea in her head<br /><br />2001<br /><br />I'll be going away before you can ask where<br />I don't want to leave, I know how much you care<br />Yet, I remained detached from all beautiful things<br />From you, from family, from friends, from God<br />I let the material things consume me<br />Where did I go wrong, go different, separate?<br />Being alone, oh, how it's changed me<br />I busy myself in fun, in money, in you<br />I don't allow myself to love anything<br />Many times, I fail to love myself<br />So many evils slipped into my everyday routine<br />So I ask, what comes next?<br /><br /><br /><br />urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1150303092009-11-04T23:45:00Z2009-11-04T23:45:00Z1999<br /><br />I looked at me and saw today<br />I saw something beautiful<br />Maybe never meant to be seen but I caught<br />Why am I ashamed to think me lovely?<br />Do you love me? I hope we never change<br />There are moments I can't fight the tears<br />My lips can't keep from kissing you<br />You are the most beautiful miracle created<br />When I looked at me, I saw something beautiful<br />I could see you<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I've got wet wings, saturated and weighted<br />Beating against each other, and still I cannot fly<br />This heavy feeling holds me to the ground<br />Now I'm looking at the moon through the clouds<br />Wishing every inner and outer inch of me were dry<br />I like this big empty bed, an empty, thoughtless head<br />Vertigo comes over me when I lose my self control<br />Nervous stomach, anxious heart body overworked & tired<br />I try to get advice to calm myself, but it's just the way I'm wired<br />Tears and fears and demons you just can't console<br /><br />2007<br /><br />So I'm led in circles, dragged around side saddle<br />By the arm I'm pulled impatiently and scolded for my anger<br />And all the men with jealous women guard themselves from punishment<br />And single men - once i tell them that I'm taken<br />The cold shoulder, drop of contact, falls like meat from the<br />stroke of a cleaver, oh, I'm clever till I tell them<br />Then they shamefully avert their eyes, scuffle toes<br />When I say in desperation, "Any takers?! Any takers?!"<br />And no one's got the balls to look up, let alone raise<br />a hand up, time's up - shook up<br />As I'm whisked away half violently into the crowdurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1147863082009-11-04T23:39:04Z2009-11-04T23:39:04Z2000<br /><br />I used to think you were everything in a good man<br />Yes, I was right, but maybe for just a thought<br />I believed you were all I was looking for in my life<br />I was wrong, but I don't know why at all<br />Each held hand ending with me letting slip away<br />The kisses have ceased, the hugs much shorter<br />And pretty soon, we'll just be smiling, waving goodbye<br />You look me in the eyes and tell me to move on<br />Without feeling how sorry I am, at least not knowing why<br />I am losing my best friend, I am losing you<br />It's hard imagining anyone to love, to fill your shoes<br />Love seems an impossibility to me, an unreal paradise<br />Maybe it's a blend of all the people that I tried to love<br />I don't think I've got an anchor on this restless ship<br />I lean out the doorway, always just to say goodbye<br />With the wind blowing my hair and all the memories away<br />You used to live at my side and I thought it'd be forever<br />I could see us living years together down the road<br />Somewhere in between I lost that perspective<br />I grew towards the cold and lost state I own now<br />I can't help but feel bare when the wind blows<br />I'm leaning out the door, but you've been long gone<br /><br />2002<br /><br />Has it ever occurred to you to bend the bone?<br />Extract pain consciously for my sake<br />Watch my pretty face while I'm asleep<br />Even when you're too tired to stay awake<br />i can see the naked tree limbs<br />Underneath their thinning, colored leaves<br />I can see the oranges and yellows turning brown<br />And falling off one by one when the wind breathes<br />In a flat and blazing Kansas field<br />On a dark and treacherous mountain path<br />The steps are varied and complicated in between<br />And I don't think that we will last<br />I can see from the corner of my eye<br />The little glances that you steal of her<br />I couldn't be different if I tried<br />But I could leave you alone if you preter<br />Of all the pictures that I took along the way<br />Your face escaped each frame<br />All I've got are my memories<br />A faceless thought, only a name<br />I listen to you sing, heart melting<br />Feeling you out as you confide in me<br />Were your eyes really closed all this time<br />I'm thankful for the pain that made you seeurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1146333072009-11-02T22:09:33Z2009-11-02T22:09:33Z2000<br /><br />My life no longer has a meaning<br />It used to hold promises of things that I could hold<br />No one knows the way I feel when I'm alone<br />My heart is so hard that I'm not allowed to be in love<br />I feel like there's only one escape<br />And if I took it, who on this earth could know to blame me?<br />Every night I feel like a defect, before I float to dream<br />Every ugly thing about myself presses me into conscious coma<br />The things I love to do are things I'll never be known for<br />Secrets and lies are all I'll have to tell<br />So many hurting hearts, so many cruel people<br />I am one that can't be happy till I'm dead<br />What was the purpose of this average rock in someone's shoe?<br />I can't remember the last time I felt settled<br />My heart twists and pulsates while I smile<br />I can let you live a happy life with a woman you love<br />Because I can never love you, I don't know how<br />You tell me not to feel sorry for myself<br />But you spoke of rain clouds and always loving me<br />You said I'll always have a place in your heart<br />Why can't I feel the same way?<br />It's looking so much better now to just escape...<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I miss the part where I hold your face and kiss your lips<br />But I've been too upset to write about it<br />I've even got a picture of it...<br />I didn't even get to the part where you sleep beside me<br />in my bed<br />You're too sweet and listen too well to what I said<br />You're too small and I'm too big to be caged<br />But your heart fills the world and I'm used to minimum wage<br />I don't really even know why I'm clutching at you<br />Not like I can be fixed by anything you could do<br />I am embarrassed by the state I've fallen back into<br />Handling my new best friend rejection before he knew<br />I want someone I don't want to push away<br />I want someone I wouldn't mind having stay<br />But it's funny, 'cause I'm the one who chased and craved<br />Which makes me wonder if this relationship can be saved<br />Why am I not craving anymore?<br />You are perfect, and I am sitting, crying on the floor<br />I just want to push you away from my heart<br />No more kissing when we depart...<br />So what scared me in the first place<br />It used to make me giddy; now I panic when I see your face<br />Is it the closeness that gives me the fear?<br />Or is this a sign again to just get out of here?urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1141983062009-11-01T16:23:42Z2009-11-01T16:23:42Z1999<br /><br />You couldn't ever understand the way I feel<br />You've gone & grown up on your own...real mature<br />Don't you know how stupid you look in the eyes of those<br />who care? I care, don't you?<br />Expand your<u>self</u> not just mind not ignoring body.<br />You changed your entire self for a boy you couldn't know<br />I guess I don't count anymore 'cause I don't change<br />Your pessimistic, anti-social bull headed opinions offend me<br />So obsessed with yourself and making yourself "unique"<br />Well, sorry to inform you other's opinions count sometimes<br />You're never right all the time<br />And you're certainly not the center of this universe<br /><br />2000<br /><br />I would wait for you forever<br />While every supermodel passed me by<br />To me, no greater beauty exists<br />Then when I'm looking in your eyes<br /><br />I sit on my front porch early<br />The sun rises and I don't say a word<br />For I'm alone when you're not with me<br />Sometimes the best thoughts go unheard<br /><br />There's so much that you don't know<br />There's those things I'd never say<br />For if I told them to you<br />I'd have stolen your innocence away<br /><br />I could die a happy man today<br />If I knew that you would never feel pain<br />But sadly since it isn't possible<br />It's okay, I'll protect you from the rain<br /><br /><br /><br />urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1140593052009-10-31T17:49:23Z2009-10-31T17:49:23Z1999<br /><br />I wish you loved me as a friend<br />I wish you didn't care that I like your ex-best friend<br />I wish you two didn't always fights<br />It's because of me that things are never right<br />What I want shouldn't matter that much<br />Why are the things out of our reach the very things<br />we want to touch?<br />If I could have my way would your heart break?<br />Would I give up my own dreams again for your sake?<br />I wish you understood the way that I see you<br />Love isn't always one sided, because I love you, too<br /><br />2002<br /><br />The little stabs of pain, acute & to the point<br />I used to not feel like changing much of myself<br />Now that you're gone, I don't owe you anything<br />I don't have to be a cynic anymore<br />Finally I'm living in the present<br />And I've begun to be proud of myself<br />Don't expect a never ending love<br />And stop pretending that I'm coming back<br />When I was never really there<br />I know it's true that you were always there for me<br />But I can't give that much of myself<br />What I need is something new<br />I change to my old self<br /><br />2007<br /><br />Tiny little - Oh, we know you're cute<br />And every boy wants to eat you up - put you in his pocket<br />Where does that leave girls like me?<br />Sexually frustrated, overlooked and underrated<br />Not worth the second look<br />I could get you off on eye contact<br />But we are chained to opposite sides of the room<br />It's not safe to break away and swim<br />Among the sea of tiny little women, too many from<br />me to you - I'd just drown on the way<br /><br />2007<br /><br />Blood rushed in rivets from my head<br />Splashed and soaked my breasts<br />My body is a diseased, infectious cavern<br />The red was so beautiful<br />It made me laugh, it made me smile<br />I wanted to see more<br />So I let it flow and I watched it run<br />its course until<br />No more was left that dayurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1136783042009-10-30T21:52:15Z2009-10-30T21:52:15Z1999<br /><br />You look at me with no remorse after hurtful words<br />You don't love me! Why does it come as such a shock?<br />And so I slither away like the snake I feel like<br />I wish to smack the lips that...hateful things<br />...my bad!<br />What the hell is your problem? I'm being me<br />The same me that you could allow yourself to love<br />That's why you couldn't trust...back away<br />Do you...<br />And feel so ashamed after I read my thoughts on paper<br />But why bother with guilt! You'll say you're sorry<br />Or remain a bitch without a cause<br /><br />1999<br /><br />Each step you take to farther yourself from me<br />Pricks like needles in my heart and it's like voodoo<br />Don't you want to touch me? Just across the fire & reach<br />Would you like to feel my hands? Ignore all other temptations<br />I'm just as weak & you're giving me a reason to step down<br />Can you deny a pretty face & show a little sign of hurt?<br />It used to be that I could never even say your name<br />Now it rolls off my tongue so easily...but still tastes nice<br />You smell so fresh and you're so funny...just for me?<br />If I could only believe I'd be a food<br /><br />2002<br /><br />My head is too tired to argue on arrogance<br />Maybe you and me don't know how to speak<br />So maybe we could live a quiet life<br />Am I grasping a concept that does not exist?<br />I'd pretend, just to hold a pretty face<br />In my hand, a new chance at regaining sights<br />Nothing about me tragic, nothing so collosal<br />Wallflower blooming eyesore<br /><br />2004<br /><br />Laying there, spooned inside you on the couch<br />Feels so soft and feels so right<br />Your hand on my ribs and stomach<br />Make me wonder if you can't see how happy it makes me<br />I know exactly what I want<br />You like this, beside me, driving me insane, while I'm so happy<br />So I get up, because you're tired and I'm not<br />To let you sleep in peace<br /><br />2004<br /><br />I cannot sit alone anywhere in peace<br />Every moment, every cough, every breath affects someone<br />I can't even lay in bed alone<br />I cannot have you now and when I want you<br />You're the only person I wish to break the silence<br />And by some fucked up act of God<br />You won't come near me when I'm alone<br />Every time I try and keep my peace in a crowd<br />Someone is laughing abrasively, begging for attention<br />Moving, coughing, breathing on me<br />And if that someone is never you<br />I wish the rest of the world could leave me the fuck aloneurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1135683032009-10-30T21:38:07Z2009-10-30T21:38:07Z2000<br /><br />I start to laugh, but you don't think it's funny<br />I'm so outgoing, and in public you keep it to yourself<br />I'm down to earth and you believe in magic<br />I scare easy and am absorbed in my own life<br />You calm me down and listen while I talk<br />I can't take pain, you live with it every day<br />I like to cry sometimes, you never spill a tear<br />I'm soft and confused, you're hard and determined<br />You're silly and sweet, I'm sarcastic and rigid<br />I like sports and Chinese, you like karate and pizza<br />I couldn't keep a secret from you, you barely let<br />me in on a word about the past<br />You like action movies, I like scary thrillers<br />I kiss and tell, you get mad 'cause you keep it to yourself<br />You live right now but I'm worried with the future<br />You like yourself and I get jealous of movie stars<br />You live in nature, in human while I live by the Bible<br />You use weapons and I hold the living in my arms<br />I like to be with friends, you like being alone<br />So I'm naive and lonely and you're wise and independent<br />I leave room for error and you think you're always right<br />You leave so much out from me, and I never impress youurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1132853022009-10-28T20:10:32Z2009-10-28T20:10:32Z2002<br /><br />As if I got any business being here<br />The spot that reminds me of being in love<br />A year ago, I knew what it was to be happy<br />So much for the things I do now instead<br />I guess that it comes with the territory<br />This place was before I knew heartache<br />Heartache ensued, but I don't know how to stop coming back<br />Thankful I am for the growing I've done between<br />But my eyes still hold tears for that time<br />I have realized my many shortcomings<br />I've tried to swallow my pride for change<br />What does it mean to you to be faithful anymore<br />Every car that goes by is yours, every sound is you<br />And you won't even know that I was here<br />And I was her - the girl that you dismissed<br />I don't think that I can be here very long<br />Can't be in Ohio or in this revisited life<br />You're the one that still gets at me<br />These past so many months, where have you been?<br />And you know where I am<br />My business is never finished<br />Because I am reminded of how it was to be in love<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I don't feel like letting go of you<br />But it seems the natural thing to do<br />It's time for rehearsal, you step away & watch me act<br />It seems the only form of alleviation<br />Now there's no one to call me at night<br />No one that I really crave, I miss my happiness<br />I don't ever feel like eating<br />I think about kissing, and how nice it could be<br />...if I just stopped feeling bad, worrying<br />Have you ever felt like your world was collapsing<br />Just because things are a little off?<br />Inside, everything is panic, chaos, confusion<br />Tears spill, and there's no place I can be alone<br />Everyone's against me here, they're talking about me<br />And if they're not, it's like I'm a shadow<br />I'm not even there, just an ugly teenage girl<br />In a black coat and glasses<br />I can't identify myself with others<br />But you see me, you call me beautiful<br />You want to treat me like a lady in a way I don't know<br />You look lovingly at me - it's hell, I feel sick<br />Even when I'm holding you to me, almost happy<br />The feeling inside just won't go away<br /><br />2004<br /><br />I close my eyes in the shower<br />Afraid that I might open them to find<br />My sight was gone<br />Because this is my most precious sense<br />I do not open them again<br />I guess every eye is weird and grotesque and beautiful<br />My muddy iris sees true enough<br />The blue is always the most clear and precious<br />Green yields sex and mystery<br />And brown, deep and soulful, sees too muchurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1129903012009-10-27T19:53:55Z2009-10-27T19:53:55Z2002<br /><br />When you get over yourself come to mne<br />Come to see if I've still got a place reserved in my heart for you<br />As of now, I won't say so, but I still do<br />I think that you still love me, but won't admit<br />The one you still love is me, the one that you let get away<br />This is the room that I loved you in<br />Every memory beckons every step of the way<br />Every day...I'm overcome by nostalgia<br />Either way, if you don't, there are still many who love me<br />I'm being discovered every day<br />To collapse into any emotion for anyone is treacherous<br />So I tread lightly, as not to leave a print<br /><br />2004<br /><br />It's not like I have a habit of expecting much<br />But I've been fueled enough<br />By the way you reached out to touch me<br />Feels like I'd let you touch me more<br />More than I've allowed any other man in ages<br />I hate waiting with the telephone turned on<br />Being eager and needy and silly<br />You have my number and I'm expecting<br />More than I should have ever allowedurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1127483002009-10-26T19:26:36Z2009-10-26T19:26:36Z1999<br /><br />I want to tell you all my secrets I can't share<br />Tell me to kiss and I might, say nothing and I will<br />The glowing sunset expresses all the colors of our love<br />I see the road ahead, and in my mind I'm already there<br />You can't imagine how I feel so much like you do<br />Why am I the only one to breathe life into you?<br />My body chills over when you touch me<br />And my heart is a fire-breathing dragon <br />Our language will burn on forever through our souls<br />The music that we share flows evenly into eternity<br />The melodies that were held in our hearts are released<br />And I give you all I am, a weak, dirty, naked little girl<br />I'm sorry I couldn't give you more...<br />All of my being concentrates on the love you inspired<br /><br />2004<br /><br />The moon will rise tomorrow, full and cold<br />I will sit under this same multi-colored blanket<br />I've got food in my belly and a place to lay my head<br />Three knocks on the wall and I've got ....<br />A long distance call and I've got any ghost plucked from my past<br />Smoke resin sits in my lungs, and I hope they do recooperate<br />Dry hands from the winter implications<br />Sore throat and runny nose from the changing weather seasons<br />And I've got friends<br />They laugh beside me in the living room<br />They walk silently beside me every day<br />There's a man somewhere<br />Who thinks I'm okay to look at<br />And cares enough to keep in touch<br />I need nothing more than this<br />Because each figure is significant, each precious calculated sound<br />Somewhere along the line things became linear<br />And the passing time makes sense now<br />The clothes on my back, my treasures and my destination<br />I redeem their simple pleasures<br />And I deem myself worthy to have known themurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1126092992009-10-25T15:38:22Z2009-10-25T15:38:22Z1999<br /><br />Like the child that I am I reach for you<br />i hug you like I've never needed it more<br />And I'm not alone because you linger...you're on me<br />When I can't see you, I remember you the way I like to<br />I cry when I feel your love touch me when I'm alone<br />And it pulls me in the way real love should...and it does<br />When I reach for you again with teary eyes alone<br />Your love's what I'll remember...I am not alone<br /><br />2001<br /><br />Reach into me, find that you are there<br />Not saying love, not knowing it of touch<br />But I need to find the source, the cure, the course<br />You're seemed to seize and lift the curse<br />I don't want to let you go<br />I've eased myself along into greater depths<br />Beside you in the quiet, I let you fall asleep<br />There is where I adore you; my ownurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1121552982009-10-24T04:27:54Z2009-10-24T04:27:54Z2003<br /><br />Tick tock. Scritch scratch.<br />That's the clock and my nails in your back<br />I am certainly grasping<br />Clawing madly at myself for the reason I am ill at ease<br />I can put it on the point of a pin<br />The day I first felt discomfort at the sight of you<br />But there is no reason why<br />I was so in slapstick, drippy love with you<br />Now I can't stop questioning my queasy stomach<br />The curse reinstates itself like<br />I don't deserve someone as good as you<br />Gifts and things your loving brings<br />Fending off the inexplicable pit inside me<br />You touched me - turned me on<br />Now I can't get to the getting on part<br />So where does my ego come in?<br />To distract me from the silly id<br />I'd enjoy that infatuation feeling once again<br />But it is stripped as quickly as it came on<br />And how do I explain it to him?<br />Let alone myself in times like these<br />It happens every time I get this far<br />And only disappears when I cut the rope<br /><br />2004<br /><br />Pretty new pink panties<br />Cute clothes, hair done, make up made up<br />1:30 in the morning<br />I will go to bed, not by choice, alone<br />I would love to open up, undress you<br />But you have no desire to let me do so<br />So stupid sleep, no good when you're not here<br />You'll walk home without a single second thought<br />Wasted, it's all a waste if you don't care<br />Talking your talk about other women<br />The beautiful ones you pine to be rejected by<br />I'm within your reach<br />Girl next door that loves you for who you are<br />So you could take your advantage<br />So comfortable and inviting<br />But it's never good enough for you<br />Without the fucked up fantasy, it isn't true<br />I lay in bed and hear your voice<br />And every type and style and level of drunk won't help<br />Erase the layers of thoughts I have for you<br />So go home to the fantasy<br /><br />2004<br /><br />So I was lying on my bed when I heard the doorbell ring<br />Drawing pictures, listening to music<br />Then there you were in the doorway<br />Looking in at me, and I was obliged to talk<br />You took fancy in me - I guess I was the pretty girl that night<br />So you said<br />So for a moment, I put aside my former love feelings<br />For the night<br />I stole glances, as did you, across the room<br />Then you asked if you could speak to me outside<br />I wasn't even drinking<br />The night was fresh, and warm with a soft breeze<br />Sitting on the railing of the balcony<br />Opening my mind just a little bit<br />For a buzz of a new possibility<br />You spoke beautifully, intelligently in my language<br />So then, you asked me in your own way<br />Could you kiss me?<br />Once, twice, many times that night<br />Went to sleep just before the sunrise<br />Kissed me goodnight and took an early train back homeurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1119782972009-10-23T21:38:20Z2009-10-23T21:38:20Z1999<br /><br />This sweet moment will be forever endless in my heart<br />It's all those little things you do to make me love you<br />It's the weight of your head on my shoulder<br />It's the way I know we both cry together...apart<br />Only the promise in your eyes can hold me<br />And as I look over my shoulder I see you<br />A boy years younger possessing my heart in those...<br />Those lonely nights you now know so well<br />And now separate, together, apart I'll make my<br />home with you<br /><br />2001<br /><br />Proposed this unsure bliss in candlelight<br />You invite me to your side, to be a part of you<br />I'm looking in your warm brown eyes<br />telling myself, go and do not be afraid<br />In your deserving warmth, you take my cold hand<br />Hold it close to you, kiss its misshapen fingers<br />As would any gentleman; a lady<br />In silence, I fumble shyly towards your delight<br />I press my weight on you, flowing strands brush your face<br />Unable to contain excitement, body rushing<br />You won't say the words...not because you don't want to<br />But because I couldn't stand to hear them<br />Your breath that I've become accustomed to<br />The scent, your scent that draws me in<br />Then I put my lips to you, let you begin<br />Sensitive and gentle and arousing<br />All new, except you, so familiar to my heart<br />You explore only to be pleasing to me<br />In my pleasures, I extend to service you<br />In the peak of intimacy, fantasy, ecstacy<br />I wonder if I've taken on the face of past lovers<br />But you are the first in me<br /><br />2002<br /><br />I am ultimately devoid of focused feeling<br />My crushed heartache is invalid, holds me together like glue<br />I see all of your admirers, I notice the way things are<br />Maybe it's just me, but I want something more<br />Like the appreciation of a few - let me keep my unique<br />Pretty face, pretty eyes, if I see past does it make me wise?<br />Don't apologize to me, but keep your head out of the clouds<br />We're not perfect, we're not saints, but I think we should<br />stay that way<br />Absence of a smile doesn't mean I'm not worth while<br />I could teach you break you make you see<br />After your image of a goddess disappears, there's only me<br />I'll just let my mind wander; no better arm for me to<br />sleep under<br /><br />2002<br /><br />I ascend the steps on a colder November day<br />Hope you're not offended by my lack of greeting<br />Each floor I climb up, the steps are more hollow<br />And I feel myself getting closer to home<br />At any given moment I could come crashing through<br />But since I thought of it, it just isn't likely<br />And it's every great now and then that I get<br />a great idea to fight fire with kindness<br />But in a rage, I end up giving in<br /><br />2004<br /><br />I hate it when you gather up your things to leave<br />You grab your keys and your cell phone<br />It breaks my heart just a little...<br />You rock my world when you're looking at me<br />With your clear blue eyes<br />My stomach flutters when you enter the room<br />And it's not a classic romance<br />I've known you in all different stages<br />But yes it's true now<br />I'm falling in love with you<br />And it breaks my heart that you can't seeurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1116692962009-10-23T21:21:39Z2009-10-23T21:25:52Z1999<br /><br />I watch you as you're turned away<br />I know you're cold just like me<br />But you can warm me up with your body language<br />And I sit and wish that I were holding that hand<br />The one that draws the pictures, wears the ring<br />I want to touch the mocha skin that's so soft and smooth<br />But I know that I can't because I'm not near to you<br />My ugly, cruel heart would crush us both<br />A beautiful, fragile and innocent creature<br />Only a part of God's creative mind<br /><br />1999<br /><br />There are times I'll let myself love you like a fool<br />Well I don't know who you are or why I do<br />And even if it's wrong, I'm sitting patiently waiting<br />Giving up not on you but me and everything else<br />I feel like I should be living in a dream<br />And I just won't let go, well maybe I should<br />But all I hear is the sound of your breath softly<br />As you sleep I feel the warmth...steal yourself<br />Wasn't I special a month ago to where I hide in my head<br />Open your soft blue eyes and let them shine onto me<br />Hang just a second longer, let me kiss you & help you remember<br />Child and man, I witness each and every day<br />And the light touches you and you don't even realize<br />How did I let you make me out of control<br />I'll photograph that smile and tack it to my mind<br />Let me sit beside you and hold your face<br />Or just stare into your eyes...I won't touch you<br />But because I know you don't want me to<br />Swear to me that you'll see my tears<br />As I sing you a song meant only for your ears<br />And you'll cry, too, because I know you know<br />As I've measured each word I'll say to you<br />You can back away once you've heard all I've said<br />Maybe this could please be a dream<br /><br />1999<br /><br />I walk outside again tonight<br />It's a little colder, a lot more lonely<br />My breath freezes before me in a white smoke cloud<br />My nose is the first to go<br />As I look up I always think no light will show<br />Heaven and hell fight...day overcomes night<br />Birds stop flying in mid flight<br />And they fall down around me and I fall to my knees<br />As I say an innocent prayer to my God<br />That He'll send me an angel that I can feel<br />One whose arms I can sleep in - arms where I can rest<br />Until hell burns heaven's best<br /><br />1999<br /><br />She looks at me with pretty eyes<br />What a goddess, what a tease<br /><br />Sickly hair and lips that speak so self redeeming<br />Lips that speak like they give a damn<br /><br />In the clouds, millions of miles away<br />You sleep in piles of filthy money<br /><br />Your voice, a gem so precious, not so rare<br />The spineless, yes-men surround you<br /><br />Just to touch your skin<br />Polished to a phony image of perfection<br /><br />Were you once a little girl with honest wishes?<br />Were your lips ever innocent, I wonder?<br /><br />I am so dirty, that's why you're on <u>my</u> wall<br />What a diva, what a tramp<br /><br />I hear your message fine<br />But I clearly see the way you really are<br /><br />I should put my hands up high<br />I should look into my mirror<br /><br />Pretty chocolate eyes, honest eyes<br />Maybe lacking talent, but never innocence <br />or grace<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I have been moving towards a state of chaos<br />I don't know what to do now; anymore<br />The little mishaps in life are starting to unravel me<br />I can't recall what makes me happy<br />Now I'm scared because I have you<br />I am uninterested in work, don't want to learn<br />My beloved friends seem like heavy, clumsy extensions<br />I can't control my body anymore than my mind<br />My nightmares question reality for their truth<br />Two tear drops sit on my cheeks now<br />And I don't know whether to let them stay<br />Or push them away - make them fall<br />There's a man hiding in the bushes with a handgun<br />And because I say it out loud, I am crazy<br />Everyone is too concerned with being right<br />We're not listening when our friends scream for help<br />We're just interested in how they fell<br />My neck is tired from holding up my head<br />And my thighs are sore from being smacked around<br />I'll be one of those wives who have to get hit<br />'Cause I loved some drunken piece of shit<br />It's in my cards...<br />And these little mishaps will eventually do me in<br /><br />2004<br /><br />I want to have an affair<br />Effecting only me and my libido<br />I want to kiss and touch<br />Until my lust subsides<br />Skin and wet kisses<br />Laying down on fire and feathers<br />Spinning in drunken circles<br />Until morning springs againurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1116152952009-10-21T20:01:08Z2009-10-21T20:01:08Z2002<br /><br />Found a new point of interest<br />Only to have it rendered diseased<br />Guess it's always God's way of saying it's not meant to be<br />I guess it's not my time<br />The earth rotates around a thousand moons<br />And we try to hold on to these passing moments<br />With a desperate, little human hand<br />Guess you never can hold on long enoughurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1111912942009-10-21T02:31:58Z2009-10-21T02:31:58Z2001<br /><br />I won't let you touch my face<br />Wipe that fucking tear away<br />Show some fucking class, be my daughter<br />Be the son we couldn't have<br />Leave my house - I'm not wanted here<br />It's too hard, too hard to live with you<br />I could never love, only hurt, back the fuck off of me<br />SEX - IS that ALL you think I'm about?<br />I hate your mouth when it's deceptive<br />Hate your fucking eyes when they won't leave me<br />Leave me the hell alone<br />Again, you think that I've done something wrong<br />Call me a slut again, call me a <u>liar<br /></u>I don't want anyone<br />I wanna leave and not come home<br />For there is no god damn home for me<br />You don't trust me<br />Get away, give me my privacy<br />And I'll be gone, just give me these ten months<br />I want to push you all away<br />The love, the anger, the suspicious shitty days<br />When I lived in <u>your home<br /><br /></u>2004<br /><br />In the tight coils of my mind is darkness<br />I want to cry because I am sad but<br />Deep misery dries the soul out<br />Makes you ache with longing and despair<br />It's not something I could just brush away<br />You and me, two perfectly fitted puzzle pieces<br />Floating around in different parts of the same room<br />I lay on the couch and close my eyes<br />I hear you moving near me<br />And I think that you're about to touch me<br />It's enough to sweat my palms in anticipation<br />It's too late to try and be myself around you<br />You already heard what I had to say<br />And now I'm stuck because I really like you...<br />Carrying around a ten pound heart in my chest<br />It makes me sore to think of it<br />My stomach's twisted in a knot<br />Because just being around you makes me happier<br />And I'm floating now without you<br />It's that missing-something-feeling<br />That weight I can't release<br /><br /><br /><br />urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1110732932009-10-20T00:00:24Z2009-10-20T00:00:24Z2002<br /><br />I'm sorry for the way I wish that you could feel<br />But you can't - it isn't in your character<br />Without a partner or a lover<br />Moral definition seems so non-existant<br />How I want to pick you up when you are down<br />But with a crowd of adoring fans around you<br />It's hard to push my way through<br />You've got this way of pushing me away<br />When I'm barely approaching you<br />Everything I know for beauty is in my mind<br />I see the miracles and mysteries<br />And I see you, falling in love<br />I wonder if I'll ever feel that wayurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1106412922009-10-18T15:51:55Z2009-10-18T15:51:55Z1999<br /><br />Welcome in, I've been waiting for you<br />Warm me up, inside and out<br />I've already loved you in as many ways as one can<br />Look me in the eyes and tell me what you find<br />It's buried deep enough where only true lovers can feel<br />Can you smell me, hear me, touch me hundreds of miles away?<br />If so, I've been expecting you<br />When you've loved me too much, I'll let you know<br />If the fire burns inside of me, bringing stinging pain<br />May I please hang on a little longer<br />Stop my heart from speeding -> dance a little slower<br />Well hurry, come to me. I've been needing you<br /><br />2004<br /><br />Fresh men, ones to touch and kiss<br />Fresh again, familiar and relentless<br />Five o'clock shadow on angular faces<br />Pressing new bodies in sacred new places<br />So hot, so my body is aching<br />Forget me not, my fingernails raking<br />Big shoulders, a light muscular hold<br />Outside it's colder, just do what you're told<br />Kiss my neck, with wet boiling lips<br />Experimental sex, keep steady with my hips<br />Rub my back, let my tension flow<br />Make it crack, touch my knees to my elbows<br />Fingers glide, through my silky hair<br />Strip my thighs till my body is bare<br />Start to sweat as we make our own heat<br />Don't forget to be gentle and sweet<br />Touch my breasts firmly with your fingers<br />Curves and crests and your scent still lingers<br />Watch my eyes while you're holding me close<br />No surprise that I'm curling my toes<br />When we're done lay with me in my bed<br />I see the rising sun while you're resting your headurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1105142902009-10-16T23:23:30Z2009-10-16T23:23:30Z1999<br /><br />Serious expression plagues your face<br />And then you bust out a smile, singing to yourself<br />And you laugh, talking in the 3rd person about you<br />Curly hair, bright shiny eyes<br />Why do you want to get drunk, party...have sex?<br />You do just fine alone<br />In your own little world...keep smiloing<br /><br />1999<br /><br />Sometimes I think you're almost thinking of me<br />But you can't be, because that would please me too much<br />I remember when we rollerbladed one sunny summer day<br />I fell down & you came to pick me up right away<br />Do you remember stripping down to your boxers<br />And running the bases in the moonlight? I do<br />And I'll never forget...<br />Do you remember walking down the halls hand in hand?<br />Late night phone calls were the best, little daily notes<br />Do you remember hide'n'seek in my tree at night?<br />Do you remember dancing cheek to cheek?<br />Do you remember coming to my games & cheering?<br />Do you remember our first hug, or the way you felt?<br />Do you remember riding the ferris wheel or how it hurt<br />to say the words...and how good that kiss felt?<br />I do. And I'll never stop regretting that goodbye<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I am embarrassed 'cause it is affirmed that<br />You don't care and I have been too overbearing<br />So now I keep my distance and my lips shut<br />Harden up my little heart enough to keep calm<br />I hate it when I give myself and I am wrong<br />I like you like the best part of my day satisfies<br />And I will push you out 'cause you are none the wiser<br />I care just too much and it is tearing at me<br />That you saw through me - you were just staring past me<br />So what am I supposed to do with this ball of pity<br />Don't tell me I am gorgeous if you don't even<br />find me pretty<br /><br />2004<br /><br />I want to love you<br />But you don't<br />Want to kiss you<br />But you won't<br />I am a hollow tin can<br />With an achy heart for brains<br />Wish I could change it<br />But it's always just the same<br />Stupid silly pictures<br />You're barely touching me<br />Old friends, just acquaintances<br />Look - what do you see?<br />Little lost kids<br />In a bubble of a town<br />Hasta luego, see you in a bit<br />Or maybe just see you around<br />No one really likes me<br />In a girlfriend sort of way<br />Guess it's nothing I can help<br />Wish you'd come be with me today<br /><br />2007<br /><br />The six is better when it's not thought through<br />Done first and justified later<br />Decisions about ourselves are formulated<br />And we stick by them, for failure to admit<br />The gravity of the choice<br />We are not okay, but how we strive for sane<br />Allows us to commit any act we choose<br />Then back it up with fabricated fact<br />How we all are nowurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1100812892009-10-15T18:58:30Z2009-10-15T18:58:30Z2000<br /><br />I've contemplated getting back with you<br />A million times before<br />But now it's obviously clear to me<br />I don't love you like that anymore<br /><br />I think about you constantly<br />About you and I forever<br />But somehow I can't see past today<br />When I'm scared to be together<br /><br />2002<br /><br />Butterfly is my cocoon, gonna come out soon -<br />Soon as you want to get in with me<br />Wild and unruly hair, blond is beauty but red is rare<br />Astounded by your divinity<br />Dance unashamed if you can, my intriguing drama man<br />Even if you don't think I'm pretty<br />There you are so much like me, the best thing in you are beautiful to me<br />Lost in the forbidden cityurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1099952882009-10-14T23:52:36Z2009-10-14T23:52:36Z1999<br /><br />How can you bring yourself to me<br />and then draw away once I've had a taste?<br />How cruel can you get to pretend to care<br />and then silently abandon all your claims<br />I've lusted after you too long, I've thirsted<br />But still I feel the need to draw away<br />I'd better hurry the hell up and get back to my life<br />Trouble follows you at every turn, each uncovered angle<br />Maybe that's why I feel I've got to have you<br />So quit teasing me unless you want to see me cry<br /><br />2000<br /><br />I cupped the blood in my hands<br />It spilled through my fingers and it returned to you<br />I kissed your forehead just before you left<br />Now that you're gone, the kiss belongs to an empty body<br />I watched you breathe your last while looking in my eyes<br />I couldn't stop you from fading right before me<br />They say that only time will tell<br />But I heard you won't be coming back<br />And time can't fix a thing<br /><br />2003<br /><br />I speak to you when your heart wills me to<br />I imagine him 'cause I have no experience with you<br />I want to hold your face and make you look at mine<br />I want to kiss your lips and look you in the eyes<br />I wish I could feed you until you tell me that you're full<br />I like to tackle you & watch you try to keep your cool<br />Eclipse my negativity with sunshine in a ball<br />Turn my day around with an eleven thirty call<br />Hold my hand while we're driving down the road<br />Hold my breath when you're near 'till I feel like I'll explode<br /><br />2007<br /><br />Fasting fastidiously, fictionally, falsely, fashionably<br />The minute one man's put to sleep, another wakes<br />I fucking fluctuate in temperament with the passing hours<br />Once one thing in my life is fixed, another's broken<br />A recluse in the city, a workaholic, lazy hermit<br />Ready to abandon all the childish aspects of life<br />How come my hips were made expanded?<br />And why do I shine like a beacon for the bleak<br />I smooth the ridges of inexperience and<br />repel the confidence man, his relatives and friends<br />Little does anyone know the mania of my compulsions<br />Looking back at photographs, my God, it is not me<br />Foraging fretfully for friends few and far between<br />Married, addicted, traveling, teaching, fighting, creating<br />Anything but seeing me<br />My life's agenda now only includes myself<br />And one man that I keep close to my hostile heart<br />Hurting, healing, holding, hungering, hating, who he is<br />I'm trying to stay focused on myself<br />How can I when I've already severed half of me<br />And dedicated the rest to him?urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:jellyjane:1095872872009-10-13T19:22:49Z2009-10-13T19:22:49Z2004<br /><br />Casting back into the sea<br />Fish aren't biting much tonight<br />Watching the autumn sunset in the park<br />Leaves have fallen; jacket weather<br />Oh, the air seems crispy<br />My jelly thighs and swollen hips<br />Are pressing on and pushing me<br />To do something with myself<br />My ship is sitting because there is no breeze<br />Longingly, I look to shore<br />There is this one little fishy<br />Swimming round my boat<br />Blowing cute little bubble kisses<br />Thinking maybe I should just net him<br />Take him with me and keep him as my pet<br />Maybe I wouldn't need to fish<br />I wouldn't crave exotic catch<br />Just my little bluegill to keep me company<br />'Cause even though the night is young and beautiful<br />It's getting cold and I'm feeling lonely pangs<br />Oh what the hell, come here and<br />I will take you home