Fairy Tales

312

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:31:01 GMT

1999

These two tired eyes can't see much
Colored walls with streaks of passion vibrate
I know you're somewhere near me
I can feel your breath on my neck, hands, back
Shivers run the length of my spine
Chilling me, printing braille on my tender flesh
My muscles sore, my throat in pain
I can't even swallow medication...pills to kill the source
And the drug that I rely on is your willingness
To know you want to see me every moment, in your sleep
And it hurts to know there's something more important
Worth putting way ahead of me
Naked images fill your mind...two seconds
Those two most important, one for you
One for her, whoever she might be
Even in that speed of two seconds I know it's not me
My breasts aren't that big and my hair isn't brown
What scares me is that I don't have to ask, I know
And the pain pills start to wear off
And it rages through my veins again
Sure you love me and it hurts
That you'd even have to still think that way
But who am I to be upset, I'm just the same
But worse

2000

I fight within myself, so pulled, so strained
I could enter into life with you again
But it'd just be history repeating itself
It wasn't right before, it isn't now or ever will be
I want to find myself in love someday
and I would like to know undoubting when it's right
I can't take this, one foot outside the door
And I can't help how I think I should feel, but don't
I just want to lie down on my pillow and sleep
Dreaming realities of certainty and future assuredness
I am still just a baby in this world
You treat me like a kitten, things will never change
Why did I get myself into this mess?
I hate yet to meet someone to tame my wandering eyes
There are so many things we disagree upon
But I'm too blind to see, I feel I can't do any better
I feel my life has been put on hold, for holding on
The memories are fading, and I'm left in indecision
I'm afraid I'll be wrong again, and lose you
If I go, I'm afraid I'll have no one to care for me
And I worry that I'll stop caring for you
And soon, neither of us will care at all

311

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:23:44 GMT

2000

She took the keys and ran out of the house
She left in nothing but a hurry
She drove awhile in silent anger, loud pity
She met her destination, stopped the car and ran inside
Up the stairs, she laid her tired head in the girl's lap
Sobs until her throat collapsed, cried until she bled
Lost herself in her own misery, gave up on that bed
The friend kissed her hair and told her everything would be
all right, but she couldn't answer through the pain
Friend held onto me while I cried myself to sleep
She left the house and stumbled to her car
Her eyes were wet and wide, heart full of fear
She drove so fast the lines, the road blurred together
She cursed to herself and cried so hard aloud
Around the bend, she let go of the steering wheel
Screamed before the broken glass, before the fire erupted
Lost herself in triumph but gave up in a dream
Lying unconscious pretty, unaware she bled
Darkness didn't mind the company that night
The friend cried tears of worry, tears so justified
She knew, oh, God, she knew everything would not be
all right, friend let go before I cried myself to sleep
that night...

2004

It's almost six thirty in the morning
I just said my goodbyes to my best friend
Who's left me here again alone, surrounded by people
On this landlocked little island
I've gone through just so much today
High and excited, sick and angry, low and sad
Didn't think I'd get so home hung over
Just by the smell of his skin
A reminder that I am comfortable somewhere

310

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:17:45 GMT

1999

You change yourself to something you think you
need to be, want to be, but you're not, now you are
And the people staring know it - you're different
But so are they...why is normal so bad?
Everyone wants to be unique...so you're as normal as they come
EVERYONE HAS UNIQUE QUALITIES!
No one likes the new you; not even yourself
That's why I don't feel comfortable with you
When I speak, you condemn me
You shun my unique qualities
I know a different girl...
with not an original idea in her head

2001

I'll be going away before you can ask where
I don't want to leave, I know how much you care
Yet, I remained detached from all beautiful things
From you, from family, from friends, from God
I let the material things consume me
Where did I go wrong, go different, separate?
Being alone, oh, how it's changed me
I busy myself in fun, in money, in you
I don't allow myself to love anything
Many times, I fail to love myself
So many evils slipped into my everyday routine
So I ask, what comes next?

309

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:45:00 GMT

1999

I looked at me and saw today
I saw something beautiful
Maybe never meant to be seen but I caught
Why am I ashamed to think me lovely?
Do you love me? I hope we never change
There are moments I can't fight the tears
My lips can't keep from kissing you
You are the most beautiful miracle created
When I looked at me, I saw something beautiful
I could see you

2003

I've got wet wings, saturated and weighted
Beating against each other, and still I cannot fly
This heavy feeling holds me to the ground
Now I'm looking at the moon through the clouds
Wishing every inner and outer inch of me were dry
I like this big empty bed, an empty, thoughtless head
Vertigo comes over me when I lose my self control
Nervous stomach, anxious heart body overworked & tired
I try to get advice to calm myself, but it's just the way I'm wired
Tears and fears and demons you just can't console

2007

So I'm led in circles, dragged around side saddle
By the arm I'm pulled impatiently and scolded for my anger
And all the men with jealous women guard themselves from punishment
And single men - once i tell them that I'm taken
The cold shoulder, drop of contact, falls like meat from the
stroke of a cleaver, oh, I'm clever till I tell them
Then they shamefully avert their eyes, scuffle toes
When I say in desperation, "Any takers?! Any takers?!"
And no one's got the balls to look up, let alone raise
a hand up, time's up - shook up
As I'm whisked away half violently into the crowd

308

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:39:04 GMT

2000

I used to think you were everything in a good man
Yes, I was right, but maybe for just a thought
I believed you were all I was looking for in my life
I was wrong, but I don't know why at all
Each held hand ending with me letting slip away
The kisses have ceased, the hugs much shorter
And pretty soon, we'll just be smiling, waving goodbye
You look me in the eyes and tell me to move on
Without feeling how sorry I am, at least not knowing why
I am losing my best friend, I am losing you
It's hard imagining anyone to love, to fill your shoes
Love seems an impossibility to me, an unreal paradise
Maybe it's a blend of all the people that I tried to love
I don't think I've got an anchor on this restless ship
I lean out the doorway, always just to say goodbye
With the wind blowing my hair and all the memories away
You used to live at my side and I thought it'd be forever
I could see us living years together down the road
Somewhere in between I lost that perspective
I grew towards the cold and lost state I own now
I can't help but feel bare when the wind blows
I'm leaning out the door, but you've been long gone

2002

Has it ever occurred to you to bend the bone?
Extract pain consciously for my sake
Watch my pretty face while I'm asleep
Even when you're too tired to stay awake
i can see the naked tree limbs
Underneath their thinning, colored leaves
I can see the oranges and yellows turning brown
And falling off one by one when the wind breathes
In a flat and blazing Kansas field
On a dark and treacherous mountain path
The steps are varied and complicated in between
And I don't think that we will last
I can see from the corner of my eye
The little glances that you steal of her
I couldn't be different if I tried
But I could leave you alone if you preter
Of all the pictures that I took along the way
Your face escaped each frame
All I've got are my memories
A faceless thought, only a name
I listen to you sing, heart melting
Feeling you out as you confide in me
Were your eyes really closed all this time
I'm thankful for the pain that made you see

307

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:09:33 GMT

2000

My life no longer has a meaning
It used to hold promises of things that I could hold
No one knows the way I feel when I'm alone
My heart is so hard that I'm not allowed to be in love
I feel like there's only one escape
And if I took it, who on this earth could know to blame me?
Every night I feel like a defect, before I float to dream
Every ugly thing about myself presses me into conscious coma
The things I love to do are things I'll never be known for
Secrets and lies are all I'll have to tell
So many hurting hearts, so many cruel people
I am one that can't be happy till I'm dead
What was the purpose of this average rock in someone's shoe?
I can't remember the last time I felt settled
My heart twists and pulsates while I smile
I can let you live a happy life with a woman you love
Because I can never love you, I don't know how
You tell me not to feel sorry for myself
But you spoke of rain clouds and always loving me
You said I'll always have a place in your heart
Why can't I feel the same way?
It's looking so much better now to just escape...

2003

I miss the part where I hold your face and kiss your lips
But I've been too upset to write about it
I've even got a picture of it...
I didn't even get to the part where you sleep beside me
in my bed
You're too sweet and listen too well to what I said
You're too small and I'm too big to be caged
But your heart fills the world and I'm used to minimum wage
I don't really even know why I'm clutching at you
Not like I can be fixed by anything you could do
I am embarrassed by the state I've fallen back into
Handling my new best friend rejection before he knew
I want someone I don't want to push away
I want someone I wouldn't mind having stay
But it's funny, 'cause I'm the one who chased and craved
Which makes me wonder if this relationship can be saved
Why am I not craving anymore?
You are perfect, and I am sitting, crying on the floor
I just want to push you away from my heart
No more kissing when we depart...
So what scared me in the first place
It used to make me giddy; now I panic when I see your face
Is it the closeness that gives me the fear?
Or is this a sign again to just get out of here?

306

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:23:42 GMT

1999

You couldn't ever understand the way I feel
You've gone & grown up on your own...real mature
Don't you know how stupid you look in the eyes of those
who care? I care, don't you?
Expand yourself not just mind not ignoring body.
You changed your entire self for a boy you couldn't know
I guess I don't count anymore 'cause I don't change
Your pessimistic, anti-social bull headed opinions offend me
So obsessed with yourself and making yourself "unique"
Well, sorry to inform you other's opinions count sometimes
You're never right all the time
And you're certainly not the center of this universe

2000

I would wait for you forever
While every supermodel passed me by
To me, no greater beauty exists
Then when I'm looking in your eyes

I sit on my front porch early
The sun rises and I don't say a word
For I'm alone when you're not with me
Sometimes the best thoughts go unheard

There's so much that you don't know
There's those things I'd never say
For if I told them to you
I'd have stolen your innocence away

I could die a happy man today
If I knew that you would never feel pain
But sadly since it isn't possible
It's okay, I'll protect you from the rain

305

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:49:23 GMT

1999

I wish you loved me as a friend
I wish you didn't care that I like your ex-best friend
I wish you two didn't always fights
It's because of me that things are never right
What I want shouldn't matter that much
Why are the things out of our reach the very things
we want to touch?
If I could have my way would your heart break?
Would I give up my own dreams again for your sake?
I wish you understood the way that I see you
Love isn't always one sided, because I love you, too

2002

The little stabs of pain, acute & to the point
I used to not feel like changing much of myself
Now that you're gone, I don't owe you anything
I don't have to be a cynic anymore
Finally I'm living in the present
And I've begun to be proud of myself
Don't expect a never ending love
And stop pretending that I'm coming back
When I was never really there
I know it's true that you were always there for me
But I can't give that much of myself
What I need is something new
I change to my old self

2007

Tiny little - Oh, we know you're cute
And every boy wants to eat you up - put you in his pocket
Where does that leave girls like me?
Sexually frustrated, overlooked and underrated
Not worth the second look
I could get you off on eye contact
But we are chained to opposite sides of the room
It's not safe to break away and swim
Among the sea of tiny little women, too many from
me to you - I'd just drown on the way

2007

Blood rushed in rivets from my head
Splashed and soaked my breasts
My body is a diseased, infectious cavern
The red was so beautiful
It made me laugh, it made me smile
I wanted to see more
So I let it flow and I watched it run
its course until
No more was left that day

304

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:52:15 GMT

1999

You look at me with no remorse after hurtful words
You don't love me! Why does it come as such a shock?
And so I slither away like the snake I feel like
I wish to smack the lips that...hateful things
...my bad!
What the hell is your problem? I'm being me
The same me that you could allow yourself to love
That's why you couldn't trust...back away
Do you...
And feel so ashamed after I read my thoughts on paper
But why bother with guilt! You'll say you're sorry
Or remain a bitch without a cause

1999

Each step you take to farther yourself from me
Pricks like needles in my heart and it's like voodoo
Don't you want to touch me? Just across the fire & reach
Would you like to feel my hands? Ignore all other temptations
I'm just as weak & you're giving me a reason to step down
Can you deny a pretty face & show a little sign of hurt?
It used to be that I could never even say your name
Now it rolls off my tongue so easily...but still tastes nice
You smell so fresh and you're so funny...just for me?
If I could only believe I'd be a food

2002

My head is too tired to argue on arrogance
Maybe you and me don't know how to speak
So maybe we could live a quiet life
Am I grasping a concept that does not exist?
I'd pretend, just to hold a pretty face
In my hand, a new chance at regaining sights
Nothing about me tragic, nothing so collosal
Wallflower blooming eyesore

2004

Laying there, spooned inside you on the couch
Feels so soft and feels so right
Your hand on my ribs and stomach
Make me wonder if you can't see how happy it makes me
I know exactly what I want
You like this, beside me, driving me insane, while I'm so happy
So I get up, because you're tired and I'm not
To let you sleep in peace

2004

I cannot sit alone anywhere in peace
Every moment, every cough, every breath affects someone
I can't even lay in bed alone
I cannot have you now and when I want you
You're the only person I wish to break the silence
And by some fucked up act of God
You won't come near me when I'm alone
Every time I try and keep my peace in a crowd
Someone is laughing abrasively, begging for attention
Moving, coughing, breathing on me
And if that someone is never you
I wish the rest of the world could leave me the fuck alone

303

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:38:07 GMT

2000

I start to laugh, but you don't think it's funny
I'm so outgoing, and in public you keep it to yourself
I'm down to earth and you believe in magic
I scare easy and am absorbed in my own life
You calm me down and listen while I talk
I can't take pain, you live with it every day
I like to cry sometimes, you never spill a tear
I'm soft and confused, you're hard and determined
You're silly and sweet, I'm sarcastic and rigid
I like sports and Chinese, you like karate and pizza
I couldn't keep a secret from you, you barely let
me in on a word about the past
You like action movies, I like scary thrillers
I kiss and tell, you get mad 'cause you keep it to yourself
You live right now but I'm worried with the future
You like yourself and I get jealous of movie stars
You live in nature, in human while I live by the Bible
You use weapons and I hold the living in my arms
I like to be with friends, you like being alone
So I'm naive and lonely and you're wise and independent
I leave room for error and you think you're always right
You leave so much out from me, and I never impress you

302

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:10:32 GMT

2002

As if I got any business being here
The spot that reminds me of being in love
A year ago, I knew what it was to be happy
So much for the things I do now instead
I guess that it comes with the territory
This place was before I knew heartache
Heartache ensued, but I don't know how to stop coming back
Thankful I am for the growing I've done between
But my eyes still hold tears for that time
I have realized my many shortcomings
I've tried to swallow my pride for change
What does it mean to you to be faithful anymore
Every car that goes by is yours, every sound is you
And you won't even know that I was here
And I was her - the girl that you dismissed
I don't think that I can be here very long
Can't be in Ohio or in this revisited life
You're the one that still gets at me
These past so many months, where have you been?
And you know where I am
My business is never finished
Because I am reminded of how it was to be in love

2003

I don't feel like letting go of you
But it seems the natural thing to do
It's time for rehearsal, you step away & watch me act
It seems the only form of alleviation
Now there's no one to call me at night
No one that I really crave, I miss my happiness
I don't ever feel like eating
I think about kissing, and how nice it could be
...if I just stopped feeling bad, worrying
Have you ever felt like your world was collapsing
Just because things are a little off?
Inside, everything is panic, chaos, confusion
Tears spill, and there's no place I can be alone
Everyone's against me here, they're talking about me
And if they're not, it's like I'm a shadow
I'm not even there, just an ugly teenage girl
In a black coat and glasses
I can't identify myself with others
But you see me, you call me beautiful
You want to treat me like a lady in a way I don't know
You look lovingly at me - it's hell, I feel sick
Even when I'm holding you to me, almost happy
The feeling inside just won't go away

2004

I close my eyes in the shower
Afraid that I might open them to find
My sight was gone
Because this is my most precious sense
I do not open them again
I guess every eye is weird and grotesque and beautiful
My muddy iris sees true enough
The blue is always the most clear and precious
Green yields sex and mystery
And brown, deep and soulful, sees too much

301

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:53:55 GMT

2002

When you get over yourself come to mne
Come to see if I've still got a place reserved in my heart for you
As of now, I won't say so, but I still do
I think that you still love me, but won't admit
The one you still love is me, the one that you let get away
This is the room that I loved you in
Every memory beckons every step of the way
Every day...I'm overcome by nostalgia
Either way, if you don't, there are still many who love me
I'm being discovered every day
To collapse into any emotion for anyone is treacherous
So I tread lightly, as not to leave a print

2004

It's not like I have a habit of expecting much
But I've been fueled enough
By the way you reached out to touch me
Feels like I'd let you touch me more
More than I've allowed any other man in ages
I hate waiting with the telephone turned on
Being eager and needy and silly
You have my number and I'm expecting
More than I should have ever allowed

300

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:26:36 GMT

1999

I want to tell you all my secrets I can't share
Tell me to kiss and I might, say nothing and I will
The glowing sunset expresses all the colors of our love
I see the road ahead, and in my mind I'm already there
You can't imagine how I feel so much like you do
Why am I the only one to breathe life into you?
My body chills over when you touch me
And my heart is a fire-breathing dragon
Our language will burn on forever through our souls
The music that we share flows evenly into eternity
The melodies that were held in our hearts are released
And I give you all I am, a weak, dirty, naked little girl
I'm sorry I couldn't give you more...
All of my being concentrates on the love you inspired

2004

The moon will rise tomorrow, full and cold
I will sit under this same multi-colored blanket
I've got food in my belly and a place to lay my head
Three knocks on the wall and I've got ....
A long distance call and I've got any ghost plucked from my past
Smoke resin sits in my lungs, and I hope they do recooperate
Dry hands from the winter implications
Sore throat and runny nose from the changing weather seasons
And I've got friends
They laugh beside me in the living room
They walk silently beside me every day
There's a man somewhere
Who thinks I'm okay to look at
And cares enough to keep in touch
I need nothing more than this
Because each figure is significant, each precious calculated sound
Somewhere along the line things became linear
And the passing time makes sense now
The clothes on my back, my treasures and my destination
I redeem their simple pleasures
And I deem myself worthy to have known them

299

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:38:22 GMT

1999

Like the child that I am I reach for you
i hug you like I've never needed it more
And I'm not alone because you linger...you're on me
When I can't see you, I remember you the way I like to
I cry when I feel your love touch me when I'm alone
And it pulls me in the way real love should...and it does
When I reach for you again with teary eyes alone
Your love's what I'll remember...I am not alone

2001

Reach into me, find that you are there
Not saying love, not knowing it of touch
But I need to find the source, the cure, the course
You're seemed to seize and lift the curse
I don't want to let you go
I've eased myself along into greater depths
Beside you in the quiet, I let you fall asleep
There is where I adore you; my own

298

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:27:54 GMT

2003

Tick tock. Scritch scratch.
That's the clock and my nails in your back
I am certainly grasping
Clawing madly at myself for the reason I am ill at ease
I can put it on the point of a pin
The day I first felt discomfort at the sight of you
But there is no reason why
I was so in slapstick, drippy love with you
Now I can't stop questioning my queasy stomach
The curse reinstates itself like
I don't deserve someone as good as you
Gifts and things your loving brings
Fending off the inexplicable pit inside me
You touched me - turned me on
Now I can't get to the getting on part
So where does my ego come in?
To distract me from the silly id
I'd enjoy that infatuation feeling once again
But it is stripped as quickly as it came on
And how do I explain it to him?
Let alone myself in times like these
It happens every time I get this far
And only disappears when I cut the rope

2004

Pretty new pink panties
Cute clothes, hair done, make up made up
1:30 in the morning
I will go to bed, not by choice, alone
I would love to open up, undress you
But you have no desire to let me do so
So stupid sleep, no good when you're not here
You'll walk home without a single second thought
Wasted, it's all a waste if you don't care
Talking your talk about other women
The beautiful ones you pine to be rejected by
I'm within your reach
Girl next door that loves you for who you are
So you could take your advantage
So comfortable and inviting
But it's never good enough for you
Without the fucked up fantasy, it isn't true
I lay in bed and hear your voice
And every type and style and level of drunk won't help
Erase the layers of thoughts I have for you
So go home to the fantasy

2004

So I was lying on my bed when I heard the doorbell ring
Drawing pictures, listening to music
Then there you were in the doorway
Looking in at me, and I was obliged to talk
You took fancy in me - I guess I was the pretty girl that night
So you said
So for a moment, I put aside my former love feelings
For the night
I stole glances, as did you, across the room
Then you asked if you could speak to me outside
I wasn't even drinking
The night was fresh, and warm with a soft breeze
Sitting on the railing of the balcony
Opening my mind just a little bit
For a buzz of a new possibility
You spoke beautifully, intelligently in my language
So then, you asked me in your own way
Could you kiss me?
Once, twice, many times that night
Went to sleep just before the sunrise
Kissed me goodnight and took an early train back home

297

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:38:20 GMT

1999

This sweet moment will be forever endless in my heart
It's all those little things you do to make me love you
It's the weight of your head on my shoulder
It's the way I know we both cry together...apart
Only the promise in your eyes can hold me
And as I look over my shoulder I see you
A boy years younger possessing my heart in those...
Those lonely nights you now know so well
And now separate, together, apart I'll make my
home with you

2001

Proposed this unsure bliss in candlelight
You invite me to your side, to be a part of you
I'm looking in your warm brown eyes
telling myself, go and do not be afraid
In your deserving warmth, you take my cold hand
Hold it close to you, kiss its misshapen fingers
As would any gentleman; a lady
In silence, I fumble shyly towards your delight
I press my weight on you, flowing strands brush your face
Unable to contain excitement, body rushing
You won't say the words...not because you don't want to
But because I couldn't stand to hear them
Your breath that I've become accustomed to
The scent, your scent that draws me in
Then I put my lips to you, let you begin
Sensitive and gentle and arousing
All new, except you, so familiar to my heart
You explore only to be pleasing to me
In my pleasures, I extend to service you
In the peak of intimacy, fantasy, ecstacy
I wonder if I've taken on the face of past lovers
But you are the first in me

2002

I am ultimately devoid of focused feeling
My crushed heartache is invalid, holds me together like glue
I see all of your admirers, I notice the way things are
Maybe it's just me, but I want something more
Like the appreciation of a few - let me keep my unique
Pretty face, pretty eyes, if I see past does it make me wise?
Don't apologize to me, but keep your head out of the clouds
We're not perfect, we're not saints, but I think we should
stay that way
Absence of a smile doesn't mean I'm not worth while
I could teach you break you make you see
After your image of a goddess disappears, there's only me
I'll just let my mind wander; no better arm for me to
sleep under

2002

I ascend the steps on a colder November day
Hope you're not offended by my lack of greeting
Each floor I climb up, the steps are more hollow
And I feel myself getting closer to home
At any given moment I could come crashing through
But since I thought of it, it just isn't likely
And it's every great now and then that I get
a great idea to fight fire with kindness
But in a rage, I end up giving in

2004

I hate it when you gather up your things to leave
You grab your keys and your cell phone
It breaks my heart just a little...
You rock my world when you're looking at me
With your clear blue eyes
My stomach flutters when you enter the room
And it's not a classic romance
I've known you in all different stages
But yes it's true now
I'm falling in love with you
And it breaks my heart that you can't see

296

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:21:39 GMT

1999

I watch you as you're turned away
I know you're cold just like me
But you can warm me up with your body language
And I sit and wish that I were holding that hand
The one that draws the pictures, wears the ring
I want to touch the mocha skin that's so soft and smooth
But I know that I can't because I'm not near to you
My ugly, cruel heart would crush us both
A beautiful, fragile and innocent creature
Only a part of God's creative mind

1999

There are times I'll let myself love you like a fool
Well I don't know who you are or why I do
And even if it's wrong, I'm sitting patiently waiting
Giving up not on you but me and everything else
I feel like I should be living in a dream
And I just won't let go, well maybe I should
But all I hear is the sound of your breath softly
As you sleep I feel the warmth...steal yourself
Wasn't I special a month ago to where I hide in my head
Open your soft blue eyes and let them shine onto me
Hang just a second longer, let me kiss you & help you remember
Child and man, I witness each and every day
And the light touches you and you don't even realize
How did I let you make me out of control
I'll photograph that smile and tack it to my mind
Let me sit beside you and hold your face
Or just stare into your eyes...I won't touch you
But because I know you don't want me to
Swear to me that you'll see my tears
As I sing you a song meant only for your ears
And you'll cry, too, because I know you know
As I've measured each word I'll say to you
You can back away once you've heard all I've said
Maybe this could please be a dream

1999

I walk outside again tonight
It's a little colder, a lot more lonely
My breath freezes before me in a white smoke cloud
My nose is the first to go
As I look up I always think no light will show
Heaven and hell fight...day overcomes night
Birds stop flying in mid flight
And they fall down around me and I fall to my knees
As I say an innocent prayer to my God
That He'll send me an angel that I can feel
One whose arms I can sleep in - arms where I can rest
Until hell burns heaven's best

1999

She looks at me with pretty eyes
What a goddess, what a tease

Sickly hair and lips that speak so self redeeming
Lips that speak like they give a damn

In the clouds, millions of miles away
You sleep in piles of filthy money

Your voice, a gem so precious, not so rare
The spineless, yes-men surround you

Just to touch your skin
Polished to a phony image of perfection

Were you once a little girl with honest wishes?
Were your lips ever innocent, I wonder?

I am so dirty, that's why you're on my wall
What a diva, what a tramp

I hear your message fine
But I clearly see the way you really are

I should put my hands up high
I should look into my mirror

Pretty chocolate eyes, honest eyes
Maybe lacking talent, but never innocence
or grace

2003

I have been moving towards a state of chaos
I don't know what to do now; anymore
The little mishaps in life are starting to unravel me
I can't recall what makes me happy
Now I'm scared because I have you
I am uninterested in work, don't want to learn
My beloved friends seem like heavy, clumsy extensions
I can't control my body anymore than my mind
My nightmares question reality for their truth
Two tear drops sit on my cheeks now
And I don't know whether to let them stay
Or push them away - make them fall
There's a man hiding in the bushes with a handgun
And because I say it out loud, I am crazy
Everyone is too concerned with being right
We're not listening when our friends scream for help
We're just interested in how they fell
My neck is tired from holding up my head
And my thighs are sore from being smacked around
I'll be one of those wives who have to get hit
'Cause I loved some drunken piece of shit
It's in my cards...
And these little mishaps will eventually do me in

2004

I want to have an affair
Effecting only me and my libido
I want to kiss and touch
Until my lust subsides
Skin and wet kisses
Laying down on fire and feathers
Spinning in drunken circles
Until morning springs again

295

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:01:08 GMT

2002

Found a new point of interest
Only to have it rendered diseased
Guess it's always God's way of saying it's not meant to be
I guess it's not my time
The earth rotates around a thousand moons
And we try to hold on to these passing moments
With a desperate, little human hand
Guess you never can hold on long enough

294

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:31:58 GMT

2001

I won't let you touch my face
Wipe that fucking tear away
Show some fucking class, be my daughter
Be the son we couldn't have
Leave my house - I'm not wanted here
It's too hard, too hard to live with you
I could never love, only hurt, back the fuck off of me
SEX - IS that ALL you think I'm about?
I hate your mouth when it's deceptive
Hate your fucking eyes when they won't leave me
Leave me the hell alone
Again, you think that I've done something wrong
Call me a slut again, call me a liar
I don't want anyone
I wanna leave and not come home
For there is no god damn home for me
You don't trust me
Get away, give me my privacy
And I'll be gone, just give me these ten months
I want to push you all away
The love, the anger, the suspicious shitty days
When I lived in your home

2004

In the tight coils of my mind is darkness
I want to cry because I am sad but
Deep misery dries the soul out
Makes you ache with longing and despair
It's not something I could just brush away
You and me, two perfectly fitted puzzle pieces
Floating around in different parts of the same room
I lay on the couch and close my eyes
I hear you moving near me
And I think that you're about to touch me
It's enough to sweat my palms in anticipation
It's too late to try and be myself around you
You already heard what I had to say
And now I'm stuck because I really like you...
Carrying around a ten pound heart in my chest
It makes me sore to think of it
My stomach's twisted in a knot
Because just being around you makes me happier
And I'm floating now without you
It's that missing-something-feeling
That weight I can't release

293

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:24 GMT

2002

I'm sorry for the way I wish that you could feel
But you can't - it isn't in your character
Without a partner or a lover
Moral definition seems so non-existant
How I want to pick you up when you are down
But with a crowd of adoring fans around you
It's hard to push my way through
You've got this way of pushing me away
When I'm barely approaching you
Everything I know for beauty is in my mind
I see the miracles and mysteries
And I see you, falling in love
I wonder if I'll ever feel that way

292

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:51:55 GMT

1999

Welcome in, I've been waiting for you
Warm me up, inside and out
I've already loved you in as many ways as one can
Look me in the eyes and tell me what you find
It's buried deep enough where only true lovers can feel
Can you smell me, hear me, touch me hundreds of miles away?
If so, I've been expecting you
When you've loved me too much, I'll let you know
If the fire burns inside of me, bringing stinging pain
May I please hang on a little longer
Stop my heart from speeding -> dance a little slower
Well hurry, come to me. I've been needing you

2004

Fresh men, ones to touch and kiss
Fresh again, familiar and relentless
Five o'clock shadow on angular faces
Pressing new bodies in sacred new places
So hot, so my body is aching
Forget me not, my fingernails raking
Big shoulders, a light muscular hold
Outside it's colder, just do what you're told
Kiss my neck, with wet boiling lips
Experimental sex, keep steady with my hips
Rub my back, let my tension flow
Make it crack, touch my knees to my elbows
Fingers glide, through my silky hair
Strip my thighs till my body is bare
Start to sweat as we make our own heat
Don't forget to be gentle and sweet
Touch my breasts firmly with your fingers
Curves and crests and your scent still lingers
Watch my eyes while you're holding me close
No surprise that I'm curling my toes
When we're done lay with me in my bed
I see the rising sun while you're resting your head

290

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:23:30 GMT

1999

Serious expression plagues your face
And then you bust out a smile, singing to yourself
And you laugh, talking in the 3rd person about you
Curly hair, bright shiny eyes
Why do you want to get drunk, party...have sex?
You do just fine alone
In your own little world...keep smiloing

1999

Sometimes I think you're almost thinking of me
But you can't be, because that would please me too much
I remember when we rollerbladed one sunny summer day
I fell down & you came to pick me up right away
Do you remember stripping down to your boxers
And running the bases in the moonlight? I do
And I'll never forget...
Do you remember walking down the halls hand in hand?
Late night phone calls were the best, little daily notes
Do you remember hide'n'seek in my tree at night?
Do you remember dancing cheek to cheek?
Do you remember coming to my games & cheering?
Do you remember our first hug, or the way you felt?
Do you remember riding the ferris wheel or how it hurt
to say the words...and how good that kiss felt?
I do. And I'll never stop regretting that goodbye

2003

I am embarrassed 'cause it is affirmed that
You don't care and I have been too overbearing
So now I keep my distance and my lips shut
Harden up my little heart enough to keep calm
I hate it when I give myself and I am wrong
I like you like the best part of my day satisfies
And I will push you out 'cause you are none the wiser
I care just too much and it is tearing at me
That you saw through me - you were just staring past me
So what am I supposed to do with this ball of pity
Don't tell me I am gorgeous if you don't even
find me pretty

2004

I want to love you
But you don't
Want to kiss you
But you won't
I am a hollow tin can
With an achy heart for brains
Wish I could change it
But it's always just the same
Stupid silly pictures
You're barely touching me
Old friends, just acquaintances
Look - what do you see?
Little lost kids
In a bubble of a town
Hasta luego, see you in a bit
Or maybe just see you around
No one really likes me
In a girlfriend sort of way
Guess it's nothing I can help
Wish you'd come be with me today

2007

The six is better when it's not thought through
Done first and justified later
Decisions about ourselves are formulated
And we stick by them, for failure to admit
The gravity of the choice
We are not okay, but how we strive for sane
Allows us to commit any act we choose
Then back it up with fabricated fact
How we all are now

289

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:58:30 GMT

2000

I've contemplated getting back with you
A million times before
But now it's obviously clear to me
I don't love you like that anymore

I think about you constantly
About you and I forever
But somehow I can't see past today
When I'm scared to be together

2002

Butterfly is my cocoon, gonna come out soon -
Soon as you want to get in with me
Wild and unruly hair, blond is beauty but red is rare
Astounded by your divinity
Dance unashamed if you can, my intriguing drama man
Even if you don't think I'm pretty
There you are so much like me, the best thing in you are beautiful to me
Lost in the forbidden city

288

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:52:36 GMT

1999

How can you bring yourself to me
and then draw away once I've had a taste?
How cruel can you get to pretend to care
and then silently abandon all your claims
I've lusted after you too long, I've thirsted
But still I feel the need to draw away
I'd better hurry the hell up and get back to my life
Trouble follows you at every turn, each uncovered angle
Maybe that's why I feel I've got to have you
So quit teasing me unless you want to see me cry

2000

I cupped the blood in my hands
It spilled through my fingers and it returned to you
I kissed your forehead just before you left
Now that you're gone, the kiss belongs to an empty body
I watched you breathe your last while looking in my eyes
I couldn't stop you from fading right before me
They say that only time will tell
But I heard you won't be coming back
And time can't fix a thing

2003

I speak to you when your heart wills me to
I imagine him 'cause I have no experience with you
I want to hold your face and make you look at mine
I want to kiss your lips and look you in the eyes
I wish I could feed you until you tell me that you're full
I like to tackle you & watch you try to keep your cool
Eclipse my negativity with sunshine in a ball
Turn my day around with an eleven thirty call
Hold my hand while we're driving down the road
Hold my breath when you're near 'till I feel like I'll explode

2007

Fasting fastidiously, fictionally, falsely, fashionably
The minute one man's put to sleep, another wakes
I fucking fluctuate in temperament with the passing hours
Once one thing in my life is fixed, another's broken
A recluse in the city, a workaholic, lazy hermit
Ready to abandon all the childish aspects of life
How come my hips were made expanded?
And why do I shine like a beacon for the bleak
I smooth the ridges of inexperience and
repel the confidence man, his relatives and friends
Little does anyone know the mania of my compulsions
Looking back at photographs, my God, it is not me
Foraging fretfully for friends few and far between
Married, addicted, traveling, teaching, fighting, creating
Anything but seeing me
My life's agenda now only includes myself
And one man that I keep close to my hostile heart
Hurting, healing, holding, hungering, hating, who he is
I'm trying to stay focused on myself
How can I when I've already severed half of me
And dedicated the rest to him?

287

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:49 GMT

2004

Casting back into the sea
Fish aren't biting much tonight
Watching the autumn sunset in the park
Leaves have fallen; jacket weather
Oh, the air seems crispy
My jelly thighs and swollen hips
Are pressing on and pushing me
To do something with myself
My ship is sitting because there is no breeze
Longingly, I look to shore
There is this one little fishy
Swimming round my boat
Blowing cute little bubble kisses
Thinking maybe I should just net him
Take him with me and keep him as my pet
Maybe I wouldn't need to fish
I wouldn't crave exotic catch
Just my little bluegill to keep me company
'Cause even though the night is young and beautiful
It's getting cold and I'm feeling lonely pangs
Oh what the hell, come here and
I will take you home